Dick Moves

Contrary to popular belief, you really don’t have to be a dick just to be a dick.

Exhibit A: If I am driving down the highway, and I cut you off by accident, there is no need for you to speed up, pass me, and return the gesture. Mine was an accident, and yours was a dick move.

Exhibit B: If I say something that could be incorrect (admittedly, I’m not always right), there is no need to go surfing the internet to find out if I was right or wrong and then proceed to throw it in my face like a 5 year old. Everything on the internet is not correct and you look like a dick rushing to Google.

Exhibit C: If you know that I really like the color green, and there are 4 blue pens (your favorite color) and 1 green, don’t rush before me, take the green one, and wave it in my face yelling, “I got the green one!” in the na-na na-na boo-boo tune. You have lowered your status to 2 years old.

If you're trying to impress women with dick moves, here's a hint: you're not. The only dick move a woman will be impressed with is if you can make "it" move where she wants it.

So This is 2013

I figured since I haven’t blogged in a while, I should at least write something to have the year 2013 stamped.

Did anyone watch the presidential inauguration in the US today? Me either, unless you count the 5 minutes I watched in the break room at work. Yes, I worked on MLK Day unlike you lazy sons uh bitches. MLK did say that you should do what you can to keep moving forward, so I guess if you think sitting at home on your ass while I work and pay for you to eat for free is moving forward, then, in the words of Dory in Finding Nemo, just keep swimming, but preferably in your own feces (that last part was all mine, not Dory’s). Careful though: cover your eyes or you’ll get pink eye.

As a final thought, I’d like to leave you with the name-call of the day: twat banjo. Feel free to get this one trending.

"Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..."

Thankful – Day 23 – Winter

I love cold weather and snow. I hate being cold and driving in snow. I love untouched snow. I hate black – and yellow – snow. I think icicles hanging from trees are pretty. Icicles kill people or at least put their eyes out. I like to make snowmen. I hate it when my hands are cold. I like the extra hour of sleep I get when the time changes. I hate it getting dark so quickly and shorter daylight hours. That is all.

The only reason I love/hate Winter.

Thankful – Day 22 – Vacation

Who doesn’t love vacations? Who doesn’t deserve vacations? No one. Even a lame stay-cation that people do nowadays is better than sticking around at your job for another week straight. And if you don’t work and you are at home all day, you still deserve a vacation because I assume that you are a stay at home mom/dad and do all the house stuff. If you don’t, here’s my chance to tell you to get off your lazy ass because your significant other works too hard for vacations for you to be such a schlep.

I’m thankful that my job allows vacations…four weeks of them a year plus holidays and personal days. Not too bad, eh? Don’t be jealous. I’m sure others have it better than I do. Like lottery winners. Vaca all the time, vaca all the time, vaca all the tiiiiiiiime…(that’s to the tune of “Party All the Time” by none other than the Eddie Murphy). Powerball is up to $325 million. Please wait while I hold my breath….

It's definitely time for a vacation if you've reached this point.

Thankful – Day 21 – Underwear

Yep, underwear, for without it, everyone would have a nasty rash from blue jeans and we really would know what it looks like in that fat, hairy guy’s pants – you know, the one who always likes to wear the light colored pants with the half buttoned Hawaiian shirt?

People who go commando – without drawers – are highly disgusting people. The only time you should not be wearing drawers when clothed is for bathing suits/trunks. The rest of the time you should pretty much be wearing underwear unless you’re naked. In a perfect world, people would wear underwear that actually fits and doesn’t stick out of the top of their jeans – ladies, I’m talking to you with the thongs, guys I’m talking to you with plumber's cracks (I realize this goes both ways, girls have plumber’s cracks and guys wear thongs but that’s a whole ‘nother story). In any case, you should all be wearing underwear and I’m thankful that you do even if it doesn’t fit well. Baby steps.

"I know I'm forgetting something...."

Thankful – Day 20 – Twinkies

With all the crap going on with Hostess and the (possible) selling of Twinkies, I have to say that I’ve never been that big of a Twinkies fan. Why am I thankful for them then? I’m glad you asked. For one, the sweet cream in the middle is like nothing else. I could live without the cake part…just give me a vat of the cream filling. They introduced the chocolate filled ones which are good, too, but not as good as the regular. There are also deep fried Twinkies that folks usually get at county fairs. Those are gross. Not everything should be deep fried, as hard as that is to believe. For two, I’ve been called a “Twinkie” a time or two without knowing why or the meaning behind it. I believe one direct quote was, “blah blah blah what’s a 25 year old Twinkie want with you blah blah blah.” I still don’t understand it 9 years later but now it makes me laugh every time I see Twinkies. So for that, I’m thankful.

"This is how you do it with a smile on your face, honey."

Thankful – Day 19 – Socks

Socks are pretty awesome because they’ve been around for hundreds of years. In the really early days, they were worn as a sign of wealth by the nobility. What did the poor people wear you ask? More than likely animal skins or furs wrapped around their feet (at least that’s what the ancient Greeks did). If they didn’t do that, they probably went to the local Wal-Mart and stole a pair (I know a lady who can help you out with that if you need socks…or bras or purses…whatever she can grab.). Gotta keep those feet warm folks. You should tell your kids what Lt. Dan told Forrest and Bubba (they’re stupid and will believe anything you tell them): “There is one item of G.I. gear that can be the difference between a live grunt and a dead grunt. Socks, cushion sole, O.D. green. Try and keep your feet dry when we’re out humpin’. I want you boys to remember to change your socks wherever we stop. The Mekong will eat a grunt’s feet right off his legs.” 

That’s right, little Timmy. They will EAT. YOUR. FEET.

"You twins?"

Thankful – Day 18 – Rainbows

Who doesn’t love a rainbow? If you don’t, you’re queer and if you’re queer you really should anyway for logo purposes. (I know, I used the word in a politically incorrect way and may be a little hypocritical of my last post, but you’ll get over it I promise.) There can be the nastiest, ugliest, most devastating storm on the planet and after it’s all over, there’s a pretty rainbow there to brighten your dark day. You can turn the water hose on to water your flowers and BAM! there’s a rainbow in the mist. What’s cool to me is that a rainbow is always in the same color order: Roy G. Biv (or for the ignorant folks who don’t have a clue who or what that is: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet). It’s just cool. Too bad there really isn’t a pot o’ gold at the end of it…or is there? I’ve never seen the end of a rainbow in the sky before….hmmmm. 

A double rainbow is even better.

Thankful – Day 17 – Queer

The word queer can be used for so many things. The most well-known usage is calling someone a queer as a derogatory form of calling them gay. Now, we all know that that’s not very nice but people have said worse. In reality, queer can be used for anything strange or odd. (Are gay people really strange or odd? Ok, some of them are, but so are heteros.) You can have queer clothing, a queer hair style, or a queer dog. You can be in a queer situation or feel queer. You can even queer someone and get them fired (in this case, it means to put someone in a bad position). I like the word queer because it’s like the word fuck in that it can be a noun, verb, or adjective. It’s a great word. People should stop being so queer and bring it back…with its original meaning. 

This is a queer quote.

Thankful – Day 16 – Peppermint Bark

If you’ve never had peppermint bark but you love peppermint and white and dark chocolate, get to the store ASAP and get some. If you can’t find the good ol’ homemade kind, get the kind that Dove makes. (Not Dove the soap, Dove the candy. Don’t eat soap.) I guarantee that you will eat an entire bag by the end of the day or in an hour or less. 

The good old-fashioned homemade kind.

The second best option.

Thankful – Day 15 – Orange

Nope, not orangES – the color orange. It is my most favorite color in the world; therefore it deserves a shout out in its own blog entry. If you don’t like orange, piss off.

I’m not talking about that bright ass Tennessee orange color or the color of highway signs/cones/barrels. I’m talking more of a burnt orange, like Texas orange. (And, no, I don’t give two shits about Tennessee or Texas teams.) It’s nice and pleasant and easy on the eyes and you don’t need sunglasses to look at it when you’re outside. I’d like to have an orange car. That’s my next goal. Orange diamonds would be cool but they’d be manmade and who wants that? Orange is also a nice color in the fall or in a sunset. Orange eyeballs would be neat, too. Ok, now I’m just rambling. You get the picture. I really like orange.

See, isn't this nice?

And you know you want to be here.

Thankful – Day 14 – Naysayers

The definition of a naysayer is someone who denies, refuses, opposes, or is skeptical or cynical about something and who habitually expresses negative or pessimistic views of it. I am thankful for them because there isn't one person in this world who is not negative about something. Religion and politics are probably the two most hated subjects and get people the most heated. For example: I believe in God and democrats. That’s pretty much it. Everything else doesn’t exist including those aliens and reptilians that everyone talks about (unless the republicans are reptilians, then I’ll believe that). No matter what you say, I will not change my mind, you lying whore. Don’t bother showing me proof because I still won’t believe it because  you lied to me last week when you said you’d get me some fries from McDonald’s and you didn’t. How can I ever believe you again? Liar.

See? Naysayers can be fun. They’re the people you pick on because you think you’re right all the time just like they do. 

The President and McKayla aren't impressed with you, you naysayer.

Thankful – Day 13 – Manwich

Remember the old saying, “A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal?” It’s from the 70’s so if you don’t remember that one, how about the newer one for my  younger readers: “Make tonight a Manwich night!” Now you know. Manwich is the easiest shit in the world to make and what’s even better now is that they’re advertising that it has lots of veggies so you don’t even have to warm up sides. So, when you get home from a shitty day at work and your kids are annoying the piss out of you about dinner and the dog just shit all over the carpet, do this:

Stove Top:

1.       Brown 1 lb. lean ground beef (or ¾ lb. ground turkey) in large skillet until no longer pink; drain.

2.       Stir in one 15.5-16-ounce can of Manwich; heat through.

3.       Serve on hamburger buns.

Or this which is way better:

Microwave:

1.       Crumble 1 lb. lean ground beef (or ¾ lb. ground turkey) into microwave safe container.

2.       Microwave, covered, on HIGH for 5 minutes or until no longer pink; drain.

3.       Stir in 1 can Manwich; heat through.

4.       Serve on hamburger buns.

Then slap it on a plate and tell your kids to shut the hell up, put the dog out, and go let Calgon take you away.

Now that's a Manwich!

Thankful – Day 12 – Liposuction

What better way to remove that unwanted fat in your thighs, butt, or neck than to go under the knife? God forbid you actually do exercise or eat healthier to get rid of it. Lipo is for lazy people. Don’t confuse this with that gastro surgery folks get to help them lose weight. It’s not the same thing. Usually, lipo is done by some lazy, rich, white housewife who has nothing better to do with her husband’s money than to get her butt done...and not by the pool boy. He will, after all, dump her as soon as she turns 35, so she needs to look her best for as long as she can. I guess I’m thankful for liposuction because if you are lazy, it does work, but also because I can make fun of it and rich, white housewives.

Oh, Javier!? Come check out my new ass.

Thankful – Day 11 – Krusty the Clown

Since 1989, Krusty the Clown has been on The Simpsons. I was a kid at that time and I watched the show but I’m also terrified of clowns – all clowns except Krusty. I think if all clowns everywhere were like Krusty, I wouldn’t be afraid to go near one. I don’t even like the "nice friendly" ones who make balloon animals. But Krusty is my kind of clown and, admittedly, it’s mostly because he’s animated but also because he just doesn’t give a shit what he says or does. 

Need I say more?

Thankful – Day 10 – Jesus

Jesus is an all-around great guy. He’s loving, forgiving, and will do almost anything he can do for you. He will even tell you that something is not good for you if you ask. People often quote him when they give out advice or when others need words of encouragement or inspiration. There are a select few people who don’t like Jesus, however, because he tells it like it is and is loved by so many people. Mostly they’re just jealous because they do not understand him. If they’d only give him a chance, they’d realize Jesus really is the best at what he does, even if he is a little quirky and old-fashioned at times. So, here’s to Jesus…the best damn guy I know. 

That's Jesus in the middle. Such a great guy!

Thankful – Day 9 – Ice Cubes

There is nothing more refreshing than a nice, tall glass of cold water or Coke or whatever your beverage of choice may be on the hottest days of Summer. Captain and Diet Coke? Ok. Scotch on the rocks? Maybe. People even put ice in their coffee these days which I find disgusting because I find coffee disgusting. Ice is great because it’s simple to make and what’s better is lots of times you don’t even have to make your own because damn near everyone has an ice maker in their refrigerators. They even sell bags of the shit in supermarkets and gas stations. So even if you’re the laziest fucker in the world, you can enjoy a nice, cold beverage. Pure genius.

For the lazy fucks of the world.

Thankful – Day 8 – Hash Browns

Hash browns are one of the greatest creations – ever. Let’s not confuse them with country fried potatoes…those are cubed potatoes. Hash browns are shredded or julienned potatoes. Waffle House makes them the best where you can get them scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, topped, country, or all of the above. The crap they sell at McDonald’s that’s all smashed together in some kind of rectangular oval and call those hash browns aren’t really hash browns in my book. I’ll eat them, but I don’t have to love them. You be the judge.

Crappy Mcdonald's hash browns.

Fantastically outstanding Waffle House hash browns.

There is really no contest. I believe we have a clear winner.

Thankful – Day 7 – Green

The color green that is. I just like it. Is it my favorite color? No. But it’s still nice. It means things are still alive and fresh and new. Unless it’s gangrene and that’s just gross and not really green at all because it’s not spelled like green. 

It's alive!

Thankful – Day 6 – Facebook

I think what I like most about Facebook is that it gives people balls that they wouldn’t have if they were right in your face. People will say anything on there and not give a shit if it hurts your feelings or goes against anything you stand for. “Freedom of Speech,” they all proclaim. But the time they see you at Wal-Mart, they are your best friends. They give you a hug and ask how your Mama’s doing and then, when they get home, they log in and completely bash every fucking thing that they know you stand for.

Facebook also gets people fired or thrown in jail, too. It’s because these people don’t think about what they’re putting out there for the world to see. You can’t say how much you hate your fucking boss and that you are going to kill him the next time you go in to work. That shit’ll get you fired AND put in jail. Stupidity really does shine through on social networks. Thanks Facebook-creator-guy.

Really adidas? Facebook shoes?