Eye Roll of the Day

The whore herself, Paris Hilton, on gay guys:

"Ew, ew. Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS...I would be so scared if I was a gay guy. You'll like, die of AIDS."

Her voice and her lack of common decency are more annoying than this dog-dick gnat that keeps flying around me. She's a dumb whore and an absolute nobody. Money isn't everything.

Royal Pains in the Ass

Has anyone who is beyond their 20s forgotten what it’s like to be in your 20s? You do stupid shit all the time. Why? So you’ll learn. If you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’re an idiot and will be on some reality TV show in the future and will make millions which you will blow on idiotic things and proceed to your new career at McDonald’s. Congratulations, you’re still an idiot.

Seriously though, the young Royals are going out nude all over the place lately. Yep, they’re young and stupid, too. Kate, however, is in her 30s. That shit should start to slow down a lot here within the near future. She knows better than to lay out on the beach topless, even if it is in France. You. Have. People. Following. You. All. The. Time. Wear clothes! And where’s William this whole time? Ogling over her I’m sure in complete awe of how beautiful his young bride is. Hello? McFly? You can’t fucking do that and expect it not to be all over the internet and then be pissed about it when it does show up there. And now Granny is pissed…again. She was already pissed because Harry was acting like a 20 year old. God forbid! But when I was in Vegas partying topless in a bar, no one cared. You didn’t see pictures of me all over the internet and even if you did, you didn’t know it was me. The sight of Royal boobs or shlong? That’s headline news. That shit sells papers and pisses off the rest of the Royal family. I personally think it’s hilarious and hope they give all those stuffy Brits the big ol’ middle finger when they’re running the joint. If not, well, in the words of Jerry Lee Lewis in the movie Great Balls of Fire, “England can kiss my ass!” 

Patriot Day

For those of you who don’t know what Patriot Day is you should really be ashamed and you’ll have to Google it because I’m not telling you. And, no, it has nothing to do with Mel Gibson.

I don’t have a problem at all with this day. I have no problem remembering that dreadful day in American history (other than sadness). I also don’t have an issue with the memorial that’s being built in the WTC’s place. I completely get that people should be remembered and I love the idea that EVERYONE’S names are surrounding the fountain…very cool. BUT is it worth putting New York and the US in more debt? I mean, this fountain and the new building with the museum cost $700 million to build and will cost $60 million a year to function. Has anyone really thought this through? There is a modest memorial at Arlington National Cemetery that is in the shape of the Pentagon with people’s names on it, the date, and such. I think that will suffice. Why couldn’t New York just do something like that? Or maybe just a small museum if they want to showcase artifacts or just the fountain? Seven hundred million dollars seems a little steep; ok, a lot steep. I could definitely use $700 million if they are looking to just do something with it. I would split it up between all the family members that lost loved ones or give it to the charity of their choice. Build nothing there. It’s been bombed twice. I think that’s enough for one area. 

Mary J. and BK

I discussed Chick-fil-A and the ridiculousness of that fiasco and now it’s Burger King’s turn. Theirs doesn’t deal with homosexuality. It deals with racism, or what some perceive to be a racist act, in what I call the most fucking ridiculous argument ever.

In a commercial that was released for BK, Mary J. Blige is singing about chicken. Now, before you go there you stereotypical bastard, watch the commercial. From it, there is nothing that can be even remotely considered racist. Is it only because she’s black and she’s dancing and singing about chicken? Seriously. Is it? That’s just a stereotype like all Asians are really smart and have small penises. Is it racist of me to say that? I'm sure there are some really stupid Asians and some who have large penises just as I'm sure there are black people who can't dance or sing and don't like chicken. I don't think a black woman dancing and singing about chicken is racist. I’d like to meet some of the people who were offended by this so I can punch them in their throats. Would a white guy make singing about chicken better? I really don’t understand.

What makes this even worse is the fact that Mary J. Blige fucking apologized for singing it. She thought what she was doing was right, but her lame-ass fans didn’t, so she apologized to them. This, in turn, prompted BK to apologize to her fans, too. What the fuck are they apologizing for? It’s fast food chicken. She’s singing. The end. Shut the fuck up and move on. 

The Great Chick-fil-A Debate

First, a little history:

The first actual Chick-fil-A restaurant opened in Greenbriar Mall near Atlanta, GA in 1967. It was sprung from another restaurant the Cathy’s had called The Dwarf House (some Chick-fil-A’s still have this name attached to them) that began in circa 1944. Neither The Dwarf House nor Chick-fil-A has ever been opened on Sunday due partly to the fact that they were tired after working the other 6 days but mostly because the Cathy’s are devout Christians, making Sunday the day of rest and prayer. **Make a mental note of that last part, folks.** Just for the fun of it, we’ll say that CFA started in 1944 (at least the idea of it) so that makes 68 years that this restaurant has been in business. For you people who want to get technical, from 1967 it’s been 45 years. My point is they’ve been opened longer than my readers have been alive (I’m assuming) and that’s a long time.

So, with that said, they’ve been opened and doing quite well with the standards they started out with. And by standards, I mean Christian standards. Sixty eight….or 45….YEARS. I don’t understand all the hoopla about them “all-of-the-sudden” being against non-traditional Christian ways. I said earlier they are devout Christians. That means they’re seriously devoted to God for those of you who were lost in the history portion of this blog. Depending on what you believe, God’s against gays and especially them getting married and so is CFA and most of the Republican Party.

Me? I couldn’t care less. If two people love each other enough to want to get married, I say hell yeah, go for it. Who cares? I also don’t care that CFA is against the concept of gays getting married. I don’t care what politicians try to use this angle to make themselves look better in the eyes of God and the American people. I just don’t give a fuck and you know why? Chick-fil-A makes a fucking good chicken sandwich. And the waffle fries? Outstanding. I like almost everything on their menu. I don’t care if they kneel down and pray to a goat for 2 hours every day and then eat the goat’s shit; I will not stop eating there. They employ very courteous people and I’ve never once had to send an order back or gotten the wrong order in the drive thru. Never! And I’ve been eating there for a lot of years. You few people out there who have eaten CFA for years and now are boycotting for some idiotic reason should be ashamed. And guess what? It won’t matter one bit to CFA because they will still make their money from people like me who will continue to eat there. You can try to ban it or try to not have one built in your neighborhood, but it won’t matter. They’ll just build somewhere else and make way more money than you ever will. So just suck it up and go get a chicken sandwich and some waffle fries. And a sweet tea. You know you want to. 

2012 Olympics: Opening Ceremony

London 2012

I realize everyone will be talking about the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in London pretty much everywhere. So I decided I’m going to conform with the masses for once. But I don’t want to talk about how hideous most of the uniforms were for most of the teams or how weird the opening ceremonies were (that really big baby was just creepy). And I don’t want to talk about why NBC failed to start the coverage at the actual time of coverage and show it on the east coast of the US because I don’t care about that and if anyone really does, they should seriously get a life. I especially don’t want to talk about the Queen and her complete lack of emotion or how the USA Girls Volleyball team has been stalking Prince Harry. Or Mr. Bean. Ugh.

I guess that pretty much sums it up…oh, wait, there is one more set of folks I’ve failed to mention: The Commentators—Matt Lauer, Bob Costas, and Meredith Viera. Who else wanted to mute their television sets due to these three stooges not knowing how to pronounce almost every country and their lame Olympic histories…and singing? I’m pretty sure at one point Meredith Viera was singing along with the Rolling Stones. And then there’s the time she said the “money shot” of the night was the Queen. Really Meredith? The money shot? How about when Matt Lauer said (and I’m paraphrasing here), the vast number of athletes here won’t win a medal. Thanks Sherlock; I’m sure your next job can be motivational speaker. Other than Bob Costas not telling these two douche canoes to shut the fuck up and his awful pronunciations, I really didn’t have too much of a problem with him. He’s an old man, though, but he’s no Dick Clark—I can’t see Bob doing this until he’s 82.  

“The Dark Knight” Has Risen

Before I begin, I would like to say that I feel for the families of the people whose lives were lost in the horrible shootings in Colorado. I hope the responsible son of a bitch fries. In public.

Onto this guy (whose name I don’t know and don’t care to know)…I don’t know how many of you have read various reports about this guy and his methods, but within my reading of what happened, I got the feeling in one article that his mother basically knew that he was fucked in the head. She was not at all surprised that her son did this:

A San Diego woman identifying herself as James Holmes's mother spoke briefly with ABC News this morning.

She had awoken unaware of the news of the shooting and had not been contacted by authorities. She immediately expressed concern that her son may have been involved.

"You have the right person," she said.

"I need to call the police," she added. "I need to fly out to Colorado."

So. Ok. What? Does this mean she knew her son had some sort of problems? Why—Oh Why!—do people just let folks walk around who are this mentally ill? I’m sorry but if you recognize some shit happening with your kid you better fucking pay attention. Whore.

And now…I know you have these around you, too…I have these idiotic people around me that say, “If I was there I would’ve punched him or dropped him or kicked him or….” Well, guess what, you’re stupid. It’s nice in retrospect that you’re not the victim and you can say that you’d do all these things. Shut up. You’re only making yourself look dumber. Until anyone is in that situation, you don’t know what the hell you’re going to do. Here’s what I think you can do: fuck off.

On another note, I hope this doesn’t stop people from seeing “The Dark Knight Rises” (or going to the movies or anywhere else for that matter). I saw the movie yesterday and it’s a fantastic film. All of you Batman fans will like it. I’m actually pretty sad that this was Christian Bale’s last go as the Batman. What will we do without that scratchy, throaty voice?

Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day to all you hard-working dads. Those dads who aren’t, well you’re losers and you deserve less than a tie, which equals nothing.

Why do people think that fathers everywhere want anything related to beer and sports for Father’s Day? Lame. Ties? Also lame as hell. I’m not a father, so I’m not going to act like I know what they want, but I’m pretty sure by the reactions of my own father, they don’t want that shit. You know what I think dads want? A home-cooked meal. That’s right, kiddos. Get your asses in the kitchen and make your daddy some meat and potatoes and you’ll have him wrapped. Throw in a pie at the end of the meal and you’ve got that car you’ve always wanted and yes, you can go to that concert with your friends. Dads also want electronics…iPads. What kid on the planet (besides those gazillionaire asshole kids who already have the latest installment of…everything) has the cashola to pay for that? Sorry, dad. Here’s some country fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy…homemade gravy. And biscuits. Don’t forget dad’s like bread so they can sop up all that greasy yumminess you’ve fried together in the ol’ iron skillet. That’ll be enough for him to say, “uh, what iPad?” 

Forget the Brown Bag Lunch

Am I the only one who thinks that spending $40,000+ on a ticket to sit with the president–or a presidential candidate for that matter–and eat or listen to him ramble is the most fucking ridiculous thing pretty much ever? First of all, since you’re doing all this preaching about trying to help the middle class get better jobs and make more money, do you really think they will be able to afford such things? The median household income for most Americans is around $49,445 (according to the 2010 Census Bureau, I didn’t make that up). Hmm. Something doesn’t quite equal out.

“Let’s see…I make $30,000 a year but I reeeeally want to see the president live and have lunch at some celebrity’s house so I can see a bunch of other whores that are filthy rich and throwing their money around like it’s scrap paper. I think I’ll take out a loan or get a second mortgage on my house! Yes! The housing market is back up and doing well, right? Wait. Is it? Oh well. It’s the PODUS! He’ll help me pay it back if he gets elected again. I could meet George Clooney at his house?? Put me down for 2 tickets.”

I would imagine that this is what the president and the presidential candidate(s) think we’re thinking. There are, however, a select few who can read straight through a line of bullshit when they see one. What would you get out of paying that much dinero to see el presidente? Nada. Zilch. Zero. Oh wait, there is the possibility that a photograph could be taken with the president and you, but you’d have to pay more for that. What’s that? You want him to sit at the same table as you? Price just went up again. Did you…? What? Oh, price just went up again.

Blasphemy! 

This One’s For the Fellas

You’ll no doubt be happy to learn that not only can you pick your nose and/or hold yourself up with your free hand, but your pee can now make sweet, sweet music in this new urinal called…wait for it…”Guitar Pee”. The name alone speaks volumes about the guy who invented this contraption.

It looks like a guitar and plays a distinctive arrangement of notes each time it is used. You, yes you, will have your very own tune played as you pee! That’s not even the best part. Brace yourselves. It will also record your musical production and your pee tune – once you have flushed – is assigned its very own number which allows folks to stream it on the Guitar Pee website. Yep, that’s right. iPods everywhere will now have the unique musical sound your piss makes downloaded on them. Ringtones will be dedicated to your musical piss. Whores will come from all over wanting you to piss your awesomeness all over them. “O. M. G! Your piss sounds just like Justin Timberlake’s!”

The ultimate peeing experience.

Diamonds and Mary Jane

Today’s blog is going to be about two stupid people that I recently read about. I know, not a big change-up from the other posts, but get over it or fuck off.

Exhibit A is a man who thought it would be a good idea to bury his girlfriend’s engagement ring in the sand. One would think that there would be a few obvious things wrong with this picture. I suppose since he is a brain surgeon the thing that we normal folks call “common sense” doesn’t quite register. I can, however, understand his thought process (which, to be honest, scares the shit out of me). He takes his girlfriend on a romantic walk along the beach and they sit to watch the beautiful colors of the setting sun, when, lo and behold, there is a stunningly shiny diamond ring sticking out of the sand. He then proposes and they live happily ever after blah blah blah. It helps, though, for the proposer to remember where he put said ring in the sand. Seriously? You just spent, I don’t know, 15 seconds coming up with this idea and a ridiculous (I’m sure) amount of money into a diamond ring to, number one, bury it in sand, and, number two, fucking forget where you put it?! Unfortunately, the girlfriend said yes. The story would’ve ended much better had she told him the ring was a piece of shit or just told him to fuck off, kept and hocked the ring, and made millions on her autobiography about how she once briefly dated the biggest idiot brain surgeon on the planet. All stories can’t have a happen ending I suppose…except one.

Exhibit B is a teenage girl (she is 19 but that’s still a teenage girl to me) who drove off with her 5 week old baby in the car seat on the roof of her car.  o_O  He was found strapped in the car seat in the middle of a fucking intersection. Really? I’ve left my coffee mug, my keys, and my bags on my roof, but a child, I’m pretty sure I can remember. Oh wait, that’s unless I’m under the influence of marijuana and I’m 19 and cool as fuck. She was upset that her boyfriend was arrested for DUI and decided to go smoke more pot (she had smoked earlier in the day, too), I guess to numb the feeling that she’s with a complete dumbass. HAHA joke’s on her; dumb whore.

I mentioned earlier a happy ending – the “mother” was arrested and the baby’s in the custody of child protective services. Ok, half of that’s happy since CPS isn’t exactly the greatest and she’ll probably get him back, but for now, it’ll do. 

Mother's Day

First, Happy Mother’s Day to all of you hard working ladies out there who are nurturing (or nurtured) young ones, be them the human babies or the animal babies. Your hard work is often overlooked as something easy, however, in my eyes, it’s the hardest job in the world.

Now, on to my rant. I saw some photos today on Yahoo! featuring the California Institute for Women State Prison in Chino, California. They have an annual Mother’s Day event, called Get On The Bus, where children of the inmates are brought to visit their moms in prison. I am unsure how I feel about this. I realize it’s important for kids to have their moms around. I get it. But their moms aren’t around…ever! They’re locked up for God’s sake. And at what costs are the kids heading into the prison to see their moms? Some of the kids haven’t seen their moms in over a year and have to travel hundreds of miles just to visit them there? Do these moms deserve to see their kids? They’re in prison. They’ve obviously done something very unlawful. What good does a kid get out of seeing his/her mom in prison? They’re young and impressionable. What message does this give them?

Do you think the moms deserve to see the kids? Do you think the kids benefit from seeing their moms in prison?

It Really Is Your Own Fault

How many times in a day do you say (or think), “What in the fuck is wrong with people?” There are the people you work with or people in your family or the idiots that don’t know how to drive. But then there is that other breed of people who kill people they don’t even know, or have any connection with whatsoever, with a hammer after raping them. Or people who lie and say they’re pregnant with nine babies. Cause that’s a really fucking cool lie. Imagine, if you will with me for a minute, the thought processes of said individuals:

A.      “Gosh, I’m so tired today. I really should’ve gone to bed earlier and maybe not had that Mt. Dew before bed. I’m just so sleepy! I have to do something to stay awake. Hey, is that a hammer? I could finish that bench I promised Mom I’d fix for her. Where is that Playboy magazine? I know I put it on the bench. Oh, well. I think I’ll take this hammer for a walk. Hey, there’s a lady and her kid. Rape. Kill. Run.”

B.      “Look how adorable my kids are! I can’t believe how they’ve grown to be such good teenagers. And then there’s little Jesus who’s only four years old and will start school next year. I’m so proud. I wish I had more kids but I can’t because my tubes have been tied already. Bummer. IDEA! I’ll tell the world that I’ve already had triplets and that I’m going through fertility treatments to have more little ones. THEN I’ll tell them I’m pregnant with nine babies! Oh this is so good it will make the news everywhere and I’ll be famous!! Fuck you octomom! But what happens when the babies are due? Oh well, I’ll just tell everyone I had a miscarriage or something. Will cross that bridge when I get to it.”

Disturbing, no? People are dick bags and I’ll never understand their stupidity or thought processes. Just because you had a bad childhood, doesn’t mean you can freely kill whoever is in your path. Grow up. Stop blaming shit on your parents. 

Zimmerman/Martin Trial

So, George Zimmerman is out of jail since he paid his bail. For those of you who have been in a cave or are just dumber than shit, that’s the guy who shot and killed Trayvon Martin in Florida.

Zimmerman seems like a nice guy – which is what his defense wants people to think I’m sure – who made a really bad judgment call. Martin, at night wearing a hoodie looking all kinds of shady, was walking in a neighborhood minding his own business. If I see something like that in my ‘hood, I’ll keep my eyes on the guy until he’s out of sight. I wouldn’t have confronted him unless he was obviously up to something. Neighborhood watch means watch, not shoot and kill. Had I seen a problem, I would’ve called the cops and let them handle it because it’s their job.

Martin’s family – and a lot of the world – is getting a little out of hand with the race card. Stop. Everything isn’t about race. I wonder if people are more pissed because Martin and Zimmerman are of different races or because Zimmerman isn’t fully white and they can’t make it a 100% black/white issue. If that was the case, it would be ten times worse. He’s half white and that’s bad enough since Martin is black. But this is not about race. This is about a man who shot a boy and killed him because he thought he was up to no good and didn’t need to be in his neighborhood. Period. Man. Boy. Not black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Latino, Indian…none of that. Be pissed that this man killed this boy. Be pissed that the court let him out on $150,000 bail. Be pissed that he’s only being charged for 2^nd degree murder. Stop with this race bullshit.

Will they set Zimmerman free as they did that baby killing whore, Casey Anthony? Maybe they can hide somewhere together and make more babies since that no-good-for-nothing “mother” wants to have more kids she can kill. I can see the headlines now: kids wrapped in blankets, wearing hoodies with heart stickers and duct tape over their mouths and Skittles and cell phones in their hands, found in trash bags in the middle of the woods. These two will be found by vigilantes one day when everyone has forgotten about them in the news. Now that’s a headline I’d love to see.

To the Extreme

I won’t give this guy too much more recognition than he’s already gotten because he certainly doesn’t deserve all the publicity he’s getting. I will say, briefly, that the Norway shooter is a total wack job, dick bag, mother fucker who needs to be shot in the face (or throat, I’m not partial).

I don’t understand how people can be so one-sided and not in the least bit open minded. If you don’t like what I like or believe what I believe, fuck off. Who cares? I’m not going to shove my beliefs in your face and I will expect you to treat me with the same respect or you can fuck off. It’s pretty simple really. Stay away from people you don’t like. If their existence bothers you that much, get over yourself. We are a diverse world. There is no changing that. Stop killing people because you’re stupid. You solved nothing. You think you destroyed people’s lives and communities, but they will eventually prevail and you will have some guy named Jormungand’s dick shoved up your ass every time you turn around while you’re in prison, hopefully waiting on the day you are put to death. (According to my sources, the name Jormungand means “giant pole,” so look out Norway shooter whose name is irrelevant, good ol’ Jormungand is packing.)

We need more people like Ryan Gosling in the world who want to help people. Had Baby Goose been in Norway at that time, none of this would’ve ever happened. He’s that good.

Kids with Cell Phones

What is this new hype that kids must have cell phones? Now—I’m going to sound old for a minute—when we were young, we didn’t even have the damn things. If you did by chance have one of those extra large ones like Zack had on Saved By the Bell (y’all remember…),  you weren’t hauling it off to school with you—especially when you were less than 10 years old. I’ve seen kids…LITTLE kids…who have them in their back pockets while their mothers use their own cell phones walking around in the store. (Side note to that Mom: Don't be a whore and stop letting your kid go wild in the store while you're not paying attention. Yep, I saw what you were doing.) These people have lost their damn minds. 

Who do they have to call? If they’re out with their friends, surely with the other kid’s parents at a younger age, they are likely to have a phone or can get to one if necessary. What. The. Fuck? Can they actually call folks or is it just for games and such? If it’s the latter, I’ll stop venting. But I doubt that’s the case. Get these fucking kids away from the video games and iPods and TVs and send them outside to play and go on a new adventure everyday like we used to. What’s the obesity rate up to for kids nowadays? Way too fucking high no matter the number. Parents stop. Kids don’t need $200+ cell phones—not to forget the cell phone bills—unless they have a job, have paid for (or helped pay for) it, have shown responsibility, and make good grades. Those categories at least should be recognized before the thought of getting one is even in the air. Let’s not forget that they should also be an appropriate age (and no, five is not appropriate). That’s a shitload of lemonade for all you younger kids that think you deserve a cell phone and can’t even tie your shoes yet. 

"You're 17? I'm 41. We should date."

It’s in the news that the 41 year old man who left his wife and kids for a 17 year old girl is in jail for sexual assault on another 17 year old girl from fourteen years ago. Upon hearing this news and being called from the jail, the know-it-all teenage girl broke up with the spineless fraction of a man. There are a few things that I don’t understand about the entire situation:

1.    What in THE hell possesses a 41 year old guy to leave his family for a teenage girl? And then what does said teenager find attractive about the guy? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

2.    Ew.

3.    I realize that the girl’s mother tried to put an end to the “relationship,” but did she really try her damndest? I’m pretty sure you can make her ass stay home. No phone, no internet, no contact with the outside world. NO. NO. NO.

4.    Why did the act of him being with another 17 year old fourteen years ago affect her and the fact that he was married with kids when he started “seeing” her not bother this stupid girl in the least? Oh, he assaulted that other girl and this girl is a willing whore. I get it now.

This situation to me is not nearly as disgusting as predators of little kids. That is unforgiveable and men should have their dicks cut off in public for doing shit like that. I didn’t forget the women: they should have their uteruses ripped out in public because any woman who can do that do a child should never be able to create life. But, I digress. This little 17 year old whore knew what she was doing. Ok, ok…the dipshit guy probably did a lot of coercing, BUT, she still chose to leave her parent’s house to live with this fuck. And now she’s left him because fourteen years ago he did what? The same thing he just did to her. She claims, “How could he lie to me for all these months and look me in the eye and tell me he loves me? I don’t know how someone could have such a cold heart.” Yet she destroyed a marriage and 2 kid’s lives. Whores never learn.

La Música: It’s Too Fucking Loud, Partner

I get the idea of wanting to listen to music loudly. Sometimes I like to crank that bitch up and roll, you know? BUT, I don’t do that to the extent that I can’t make out the words to the song or that I’m drowned by the bass so badly that I can’t feel my own heartbeat. Explain to me like I’m a five year old why that is the cool thing to do…especially when you’re driving through a neighborhood at 2 am. Hey, you, with your hat on sideways barely touching the top of your head, you’re not cool. Stop. The chick you’re trying to pick up can’t hear you and thinks you’re an asshole for having your music so loud. If she can’t feel the beat, she ain’t gonna jam, you feel me, guy? As my parents used to say, “Turn that shit down!” Maybe I’m getting old and I just can’t take the loudness of it anymore. Nope. That’s not it. I like my rock and I like my rock loud. I’m not, however, tryin’ to blow out my speakers (or eardrums), wake the neighborhood or vibrate every part of my body with the bass.

While I’m on the topic of music, what happened to all the good rock radio stations? Oh, wait, that’s right…they’ve all switched to country music. Why? Because some dick bag sitting in an office thinks it’s a great fucking idea. But if I like a station, I’m going to permanently affix it to my dial and listen while I’m in the car. So, when the execs get a wild hair up their asses to change the genre from 90’s alternative to country, I get a little pissy. I tell my friends, “I found this great station that you have GOT to check out!” and they say, “Uh, it’s county.” Well, shit. What’s worse than your favorite station turning country? It turning Latin. And I don’t mean the old school Latin language…I mean Latino, Spanish, and Mexican…Arriba!... music. That’s more frustrating than country. I turn on the radio and expect to hear Chevelle or The Toadies and I hear La Arrolladora Banda El Limón or Gerardo Ortiz  (I had to look those up; don't think for one second I know who those bands are.) Your digits are now permanently deleted. Thanks to Steve Jobs, I am only forced to listen to country or Latin music when I’m either a) at the saloon kickin’ back a few beers or b) stuffing a burrito loco down my gullet at the local Mexican restaurant. Man was pure genius.

Celebrity Baby Bumps

Can anyone explain to me the hoopla about this? Seriously. Who fucking cares? These people are no more important than my neighbor or my sister. A friend of mine recently wrote, “If I see one more story about a famous whore/actress showing off her baby bump, I just might lacerate my corneas with a rusty jigsaw blade just to alleviate the pain of this media whore circus sideshow.” Ah, media whore circus sideshow. You don’t hear poetry like that every day folks.

I just don’t understand why the second we hear of a celebrity being pregnant (which no one really cares about in the first place) we have to be on immediate baby bump watch with every damn news channel and online magazine there is. This is not news people! How many years has it been now that women have been having babies? Right. We know what a pregnant belly looks like. We also know what women look like after they have their kids. We don’t need a media show of the “hot mamas” (clever word play, btw, news dweebs). Move on to better news like Rick Santorum calling President Obama the “n” word…or almost calling him the “n” word. He did catch himself after all. At least that’ll get a good debate going at the water cooler.

How do you like your placenta?

Apparently, it’s a pretty common thing to eat your own placenta after you give birth. I don’t have my own kids, and even if I did, I wouldn’t go there. That seems, um, what’s the word? Oh, yeah, disgusting. According to this article, a lot of women eat it in the form of a pill, but some eat it as it naturally is. There are even recipes on the Internet—things like roast placenta and placenta pizza—that people can make themselves. Imagine asking your husband which he’d like for dinner: “Hey, husband, would you rather have the spaghetti with placenta balls or the placenta tips and noodles?” “You sure did get a good scald on the placenta today, wifey!” Gross. People say animals eat their own all the time. Ok. They sometimes eat their young and their own shit. They’re animals. We’re humans. I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t eat anything that comes out of your own body. That goes for boogers, wax, blood, piss, shit, and now placentas.