Celebrity Baby Bumps

Can anyone explain to me the hoopla about this? Seriously. Who fucking cares? These people are no more important than my neighbor or my sister. A friend of mine recently wrote, “If I see one more story about a famous whore/actress showing off her baby bump, I just might lacerate my corneas with a rusty jigsaw blade just to alleviate the pain of this media whore circus sideshow.” Ah, media whore circus sideshow. You don’t hear poetry like that every day folks.

I just don’t understand why the second we hear of a celebrity being pregnant (which no one really cares about in the first place) we have to be on immediate baby bump watch with every damn news channel and online magazine there is. This is not news people! How many years has it been now that women have been having babies? Right. We know what a pregnant belly looks like. We also know what women look like after they have their kids. We don’t need a media show of the “hot mamas” (clever word play, btw, news dweebs). Move on to better news like Rick Santorum calling President Obama the “n” word…or almost calling him the “n” word. He did catch himself after all. At least that’ll get a good debate going at the water cooler.

How do you like your placenta?

Apparently, it’s a pretty common thing to eat your own placenta after you give birth. I don’t have my own kids, and even if I did, I wouldn’t go there. That seems, um, what’s the word? Oh, yeah, disgusting. According to this article, a lot of women eat it in the form of a pill, but some eat it as it naturally is. There are even recipes on the Internet—things like roast placenta and placenta pizza—that people can make themselves. Imagine asking your husband which he’d like for dinner: “Hey, husband, would you rather have the spaghetti with placenta balls or the placenta tips and noodles?” “You sure did get a good scald on the placenta today, wifey!” Gross. People say animals eat their own all the time. Ok. They sometimes eat their young and their own shit. They’re animals. We’re humans. I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t eat anything that comes out of your own body. That goes for boogers, wax, blood, piss, shit, and now placentas.

  

You’re Still a Whore

You’re the one who, in 5^th grade, told me that if I put my finger in my mouth and move it in and out, I would know what it’s like to give a blow job…”just without the bone.”

You over there…you’re the one who had the idea to put the tiny organisms from the science experiment in the teacher’s coffee and then screwed said teacher after school.

And let’s not forget, you, the one who screwed your boyfriend at the office on the desk where I worked every single day, while your husband made dinner at home.

You are now the one on facebook who quotes bible verses and tags yourself at church on Sunday mornings. Really? I can’t look you in the eye without laughing. “Oh, I’m so different! I’ve changed! I don’t drink anymore and I don’t whore around and teach kids how to give blow jobs.”  Sure you don’t. "You’re a liar and a whore!" You have kids and don’t want them to grow up the way you did? Whore. It’s only a matter of time before they become little whores, too. You will be a grandparent before you’re 40 years old. Prepare yourself. You’ve been warned. Whore.



A special thank you to The Antisocial Club for the movie quote. 

10 Things That Make Me Want to Punch Someone in the Throat

A few notes before I begin: This list is in no particular order. These are not the only 10 things that make me want to punch someone in the throat nor are they the “top 10.” This is simply a list I threw together in five minutes to waste five minutes of my time and yours.

1.       Attending history classes

2.       Suffering through a long work day

3.       Using incorrect grammar

4.       Not using a turn signal

5.       Saying “I don’t mean to interrupt, but…”

6.       Smacking of food or gum

7.       Using supposebly as if it’s an actual word

8.       Others rummaging through my things

9.       Braking for no reason whatsoever

10.   Taking weakness for granted