Thankful – Day 9 – Ice Cubes

There is nothing more refreshing than a nice, tall glass of cold water or Coke or whatever your beverage of choice may be on the hottest days of Summer. Captain and Diet Coke? Ok. Scotch on the rocks? Maybe. People even put ice in their coffee these days which I find disgusting because I find coffee disgusting. Ice is great because it’s simple to make and what’s better is lots of times you don’t even have to make your own because damn near everyone has an ice maker in their refrigerators. They even sell bags of the shit in supermarkets and gas stations. So even if you’re the laziest fucker in the world, you can enjoy a nice, cold beverage. Pure genius.

For the lazy fucks of the world.

Thankful – Day 8 – Hash Browns

Hash browns are one of the greatest creations – ever. Let’s not confuse them with country fried potatoes…those are cubed potatoes. Hash browns are shredded or julienned potatoes. Waffle House makes them the best where you can get them scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, topped, country, or all of the above. The crap they sell at McDonald’s that’s all smashed together in some kind of rectangular oval and call those hash browns aren’t really hash browns in my book. I’ll eat them, but I don’t have to love them. You be the judge.

Crappy Mcdonald's hash browns.

Fantastically outstanding Waffle House hash browns.

There is really no contest. I believe we have a clear winner.

Thankful – Day 7 – Green

The color green that is. I just like it. Is it my favorite color? No. But it’s still nice. It means things are still alive and fresh and new. Unless it’s gangrene and that’s just gross and not really green at all because it’s not spelled like green. 

It's alive!

Thankful – Day 6 – Facebook

I think what I like most about Facebook is that it gives people balls that they wouldn’t have if they were right in your face. People will say anything on there and not give a shit if it hurts your feelings or goes against anything you stand for. “Freedom of Speech,” they all proclaim. But the time they see you at Wal-Mart, they are your best friends. They give you a hug and ask how your Mama’s doing and then, when they get home, they log in and completely bash every fucking thing that they know you stand for.

Facebook also gets people fired or thrown in jail, too. It’s because these people don’t think about what they’re putting out there for the world to see. You can’t say how much you hate your fucking boss and that you are going to kill him the next time you go in to work. That shit’ll get you fired AND put in jail. Stupidity really does shine through on social networks. Thanks Facebook-creator-guy.

Really adidas? Facebook shoes?

Thankful – Day 5 – Escalators

I tossed the elevator and the escalator around before I finally landed on the escalator. Escalators are much more reliable in emergency situations. When you think about it, there aren’t that many reasons there would be an emergency situation on an escalator unless you’ve been to Washington, DC and are on your way up or down to the trains where people will just as soon push you down them than look at you. I get it. I don’t want people in my way either. An elevator, however, can be deathly. You can get stuck in an elevator for hours losing oxygen to the sweaty, fat guy who lives on your floor. A kid gets in and thinks it’s hilarious to push every floor button in a 60 story building and you have to get to floor 58. The electricity goes out, so does the elevator. The cables snap, there goes your life. With an escalator, none of that happens. Worst case the electricity goes out and you have to walk up or down them. Much better.  Escalators 1, Elevators 0.

My kind of fitness center.

Thankful – Day 4 – Deliveries

Any time you can have something delivered is always nice. Take-out, appliances, groceries, furniture, gifts, etc. are all nice things that you don’t have to get off your own lazy ass to do. Most of the time, I don’t feel like going to the store to get your birthday gift. I will find it online and have it delivered. Lots of times I don’t feel like making dinner. In one phone call, I can have dinner delivered in 30 minutes or less (I may not even have to pay for it if it takes longer than 30 minutes. This gets 2 points.) If you’re not taking advantage of having things delivered, you’re working too hard. These people do this for money, you’re not. You just paid a bunch of money for that sectional couch and recliner. Have someone else move it in.

"I bring sofa next, yes?"

Thankful – Day 3 – Columbo

He’s a detective, he’s a pest, he’s disheveled-looking, but he gets the job done. I miss Columbo. I think a lot of TV shows are trying to copy it – all the CSI’s, Criminal Minds – but no one will ever beat out Peter Falk. They should really stop trying because he’s the original (even if he wasn’t, he is). He’s what made all these detective shows today. If you’ve never seen it, you should climb out from under your rock and live a little. Columbo is where it’s at. 

"One more thing..."

Thankful – Day 2 – Balls

There are so many different kinds of balls it’s hard to be thankful for just one, so I’m thankful for them all. Snow balls, eyeballs, popcorn balls, men’s balls, baseballs, basketballs, footballs, those balls you hold in your hand to massage (I’m too lazy to Google), cotton balls, Swedish meatballs, sausage balls…. I’m sure the list could go on as long as Bubba’s list of ways to cook shrimp in da shrimpin’ bidness. But for now, please take this time and comment on some of your favorite balls.  

Sausage Balls

Thankful in November

Since it’s November, and we’re supposed to be all thankful for shit, I’m going to yet again conform and list things I’m thankful for every day in November. I realize it’s the 4^th and I have some catching up to do, so don’t start commenting that it’s the 4^th and I’m behind. I am going to somewhat follow my good friend The Antisocial Club  by having the different things I’m thankful for following the alphabet. For example, day 1 = something that starts with the letter A, day 2 = something that starts with the letter B, etc. I also realize there are 26 letters in the alphabet and 30 days in November, so there will be 4 days that I will be thankful for whatever the hell I want…or maybe you’ll be thankful that I didn’t blog that day. Either way, it’s noted. This blog will also start day 1 and there will be 3 more separate blog entries for me to catch up. Feel free to steal this idea but credit me and not The Antisocial Club because you’re my readers, not his, even though he’s probably the only one reading this.

Thankful – Day 1 – Automobiles

I think it’s pretty clear why. We’d still be walking or beating the shit out of horses if it wasn’t for automobiles. Although, if they weren’t invented but every other form of transportation we have today was – buses, planes, trains, etc. – how weird would that be? You’d constantly be surrounded by people and screaming babies and people kicking the back of your seat anytime you wanted to go anywhere. I don’t like that. I like automobiles. 

"Don't make me turn this car around."

Eye Roll of the Day

The whore herself, Paris Hilton, on gay guys:

"Ew, ew. Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS...I would be so scared if I was a gay guy. You'll like, die of AIDS."

Her voice and her lack of common decency are more annoying than this dog-dick gnat that keeps flying around me. She's a dumb whore and an absolute nobody. Money isn't everything.

Royal Pains in the Ass

Has anyone who is beyond their 20s forgotten what it’s like to be in your 20s? You do stupid shit all the time. Why? So you’ll learn. If you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’re an idiot and will be on some reality TV show in the future and will make millions which you will blow on idiotic things and proceed to your new career at McDonald’s. Congratulations, you’re still an idiot.

Seriously though, the young Royals are going out nude all over the place lately. Yep, they’re young and stupid, too. Kate, however, is in her 30s. That shit should start to slow down a lot here within the near future. She knows better than to lay out on the beach topless, even if it is in France. You. Have. People. Following. You. All. The. Time. Wear clothes! And where’s William this whole time? Ogling over her I’m sure in complete awe of how beautiful his young bride is. Hello? McFly? You can’t fucking do that and expect it not to be all over the internet and then be pissed about it when it does show up there. And now Granny is pissed…again. She was already pissed because Harry was acting like a 20 year old. God forbid! But when I was in Vegas partying topless in a bar, no one cared. You didn’t see pictures of me all over the internet and even if you did, you didn’t know it was me. The sight of Royal boobs or shlong? That’s headline news. That shit sells papers and pisses off the rest of the Royal family. I personally think it’s hilarious and hope they give all those stuffy Brits the big ol’ middle finger when they’re running the joint. If not, well, in the words of Jerry Lee Lewis in the movie Great Balls of Fire, “England can kiss my ass!” 

Patriot Day

For those of you who don’t know what Patriot Day is you should really be ashamed and you’ll have to Google it because I’m not telling you. And, no, it has nothing to do with Mel Gibson.

I don’t have a problem at all with this day. I have no problem remembering that dreadful day in American history (other than sadness). I also don’t have an issue with the memorial that’s being built in the WTC’s place. I completely get that people should be remembered and I love the idea that EVERYONE’S names are surrounding the fountain…very cool. BUT is it worth putting New York and the US in more debt? I mean, this fountain and the new building with the museum cost $700 million to build and will cost $60 million a year to function. Has anyone really thought this through? There is a modest memorial at Arlington National Cemetery that is in the shape of the Pentagon with people’s names on it, the date, and such. I think that will suffice. Why couldn’t New York just do something like that? Or maybe just a small museum if they want to showcase artifacts or just the fountain? Seven hundred million dollars seems a little steep; ok, a lot steep. I could definitely use $700 million if they are looking to just do something with it. I would split it up between all the family members that lost loved ones or give it to the charity of their choice. Build nothing there. It’s been bombed twice. I think that’s enough for one area. 

Mary J. and BK

I discussed Chick-fil-A and the ridiculousness of that fiasco and now it’s Burger King’s turn. Theirs doesn’t deal with homosexuality. It deals with racism, or what some perceive to be a racist act, in what I call the most fucking ridiculous argument ever.

In a commercial that was released for BK, Mary J. Blige is singing about chicken. Now, before you go there you stereotypical bastard, watch the commercial. From it, there is nothing that can be even remotely considered racist. Is it only because she’s black and she’s dancing and singing about chicken? Seriously. Is it? That’s just a stereotype like all Asians are really smart and have small penises. Is it racist of me to say that? I'm sure there are some really stupid Asians and some who have large penises just as I'm sure there are black people who can't dance or sing and don't like chicken. I don't think a black woman dancing and singing about chicken is racist. I’d like to meet some of the people who were offended by this so I can punch them in their throats. Would a white guy make singing about chicken better? I really don’t understand.

What makes this even worse is the fact that Mary J. Blige fucking apologized for singing it. She thought what she was doing was right, but her lame-ass fans didn’t, so she apologized to them. This, in turn, prompted BK to apologize to her fans, too. What the fuck are they apologizing for? It’s fast food chicken. She’s singing. The end. Shut the fuck up and move on. 

The Great Chick-fil-A Debate

First, a little history:

The first actual Chick-fil-A restaurant opened in Greenbriar Mall near Atlanta, GA in 1967. It was sprung from another restaurant the Cathy’s had called The Dwarf House (some Chick-fil-A’s still have this name attached to them) that began in circa 1944. Neither The Dwarf House nor Chick-fil-A has ever been opened on Sunday due partly to the fact that they were tired after working the other 6 days but mostly because the Cathy’s are devout Christians, making Sunday the day of rest and prayer. **Make a mental note of that last part, folks.** Just for the fun of it, we’ll say that CFA started in 1944 (at least the idea of it) so that makes 68 years that this restaurant has been in business. For you people who want to get technical, from 1967 it’s been 45 years. My point is they’ve been opened longer than my readers have been alive (I’m assuming) and that’s a long time.

So, with that said, they’ve been opened and doing quite well with the standards they started out with. And by standards, I mean Christian standards. Sixty eight….or 45….YEARS. I don’t understand all the hoopla about them “all-of-the-sudden” being against non-traditional Christian ways. I said earlier they are devout Christians. That means they’re seriously devoted to God for those of you who were lost in the history portion of this blog. Depending on what you believe, God’s against gays and especially them getting married and so is CFA and most of the Republican Party.

Me? I couldn’t care less. If two people love each other enough to want to get married, I say hell yeah, go for it. Who cares? I also don’t care that CFA is against the concept of gays getting married. I don’t care what politicians try to use this angle to make themselves look better in the eyes of God and the American people. I just don’t give a fuck and you know why? Chick-fil-A makes a fucking good chicken sandwich. And the waffle fries? Outstanding. I like almost everything on their menu. I don’t care if they kneel down and pray to a goat for 2 hours every day and then eat the goat’s shit; I will not stop eating there. They employ very courteous people and I’ve never once had to send an order back or gotten the wrong order in the drive thru. Never! And I’ve been eating there for a lot of years. You few people out there who have eaten CFA for years and now are boycotting for some idiotic reason should be ashamed. And guess what? It won’t matter one bit to CFA because they will still make their money from people like me who will continue to eat there. You can try to ban it or try to not have one built in your neighborhood, but it won’t matter. They’ll just build somewhere else and make way more money than you ever will. So just suck it up and go get a chicken sandwich and some waffle fries. And a sweet tea. You know you want to. 

2012 Olympics: Opening Ceremony

London 2012

I realize everyone will be talking about the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in London pretty much everywhere. So I decided I’m going to conform with the masses for once. But I don’t want to talk about how hideous most of the uniforms were for most of the teams or how weird the opening ceremonies were (that really big baby was just creepy). And I don’t want to talk about why NBC failed to start the coverage at the actual time of coverage and show it on the east coast of the US because I don’t care about that and if anyone really does, they should seriously get a life. I especially don’t want to talk about the Queen and her complete lack of emotion or how the USA Girls Volleyball team has been stalking Prince Harry. Or Mr. Bean. Ugh.

I guess that pretty much sums it up…oh, wait, there is one more set of folks I’ve failed to mention: The Commentators—Matt Lauer, Bob Costas, and Meredith Viera. Who else wanted to mute their television sets due to these three stooges not knowing how to pronounce almost every country and their lame Olympic histories…and singing? I’m pretty sure at one point Meredith Viera was singing along with the Rolling Stones. And then there’s the time she said the “money shot” of the night was the Queen. Really Meredith? The money shot? How about when Matt Lauer said (and I’m paraphrasing here), the vast number of athletes here won’t win a medal. Thanks Sherlock; I’m sure your next job can be motivational speaker. Other than Bob Costas not telling these two douche canoes to shut the fuck up and his awful pronunciations, I really didn’t have too much of a problem with him. He’s an old man, though, but he’s no Dick Clark—I can’t see Bob doing this until he’s 82.  

“The Dark Knight” Has Risen

Before I begin, I would like to say that I feel for the families of the people whose lives were lost in the horrible shootings in Colorado. I hope the responsible son of a bitch fries. In public.

Onto this guy (whose name I don’t know and don’t care to know)…I don’t know how many of you have read various reports about this guy and his methods, but within my reading of what happened, I got the feeling in one article that his mother basically knew that he was fucked in the head. She was not at all surprised that her son did this:

A San Diego woman identifying herself as James Holmes's mother spoke briefly with ABC News this morning.

She had awoken unaware of the news of the shooting and had not been contacted by authorities. She immediately expressed concern that her son may have been involved.

"You have the right person," she said.

"I need to call the police," she added. "I need to fly out to Colorado."

So. Ok. What? Does this mean she knew her son had some sort of problems? Why—Oh Why!—do people just let folks walk around who are this mentally ill? I’m sorry but if you recognize some shit happening with your kid you better fucking pay attention. Whore.

And now…I know you have these around you, too…I have these idiotic people around me that say, “If I was there I would’ve punched him or dropped him or kicked him or….” Well, guess what, you’re stupid. It’s nice in retrospect that you’re not the victim and you can say that you’d do all these things. Shut up. You’re only making yourself look dumber. Until anyone is in that situation, you don’t know what the hell you’re going to do. Here’s what I think you can do: fuck off.

On another note, I hope this doesn’t stop people from seeing “The Dark Knight Rises” (or going to the movies or anywhere else for that matter). I saw the movie yesterday and it’s a fantastic film. All of you Batman fans will like it. I’m actually pretty sad that this was Christian Bale’s last go as the Batman. What will we do without that scratchy, throaty voice?

Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day to all you hard-working dads. Those dads who aren’t, well you’re losers and you deserve less than a tie, which equals nothing.

Why do people think that fathers everywhere want anything related to beer and sports for Father’s Day? Lame. Ties? Also lame as hell. I’m not a father, so I’m not going to act like I know what they want, but I’m pretty sure by the reactions of my own father, they don’t want that shit. You know what I think dads want? A home-cooked meal. That’s right, kiddos. Get your asses in the kitchen and make your daddy some meat and potatoes and you’ll have him wrapped. Throw in a pie at the end of the meal and you’ve got that car you’ve always wanted and yes, you can go to that concert with your friends. Dads also want electronics…iPads. What kid on the planet (besides those gazillionaire asshole kids who already have the latest installment of…everything) has the cashola to pay for that? Sorry, dad. Here’s some country fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy…homemade gravy. And biscuits. Don’t forget dad’s like bread so they can sop up all that greasy yumminess you’ve fried together in the ol’ iron skillet. That’ll be enough for him to say, “uh, what iPad?” 

Forget the Brown Bag Lunch

Am I the only one who thinks that spending $40,000+ on a ticket to sit with the president–or a presidential candidate for that matter–and eat or listen to him ramble is the most fucking ridiculous thing pretty much ever? First of all, since you’re doing all this preaching about trying to help the middle class get better jobs and make more money, do you really think they will be able to afford such things? The median household income for most Americans is around $49,445 (according to the 2010 Census Bureau, I didn’t make that up). Hmm. Something doesn’t quite equal out.

“Let’s see…I make $30,000 a year but I reeeeally want to see the president live and have lunch at some celebrity’s house so I can see a bunch of other whores that are filthy rich and throwing their money around like it’s scrap paper. I think I’ll take out a loan or get a second mortgage on my house! Yes! The housing market is back up and doing well, right? Wait. Is it? Oh well. It’s the PODUS! He’ll help me pay it back if he gets elected again. I could meet George Clooney at his house?? Put me down for 2 tickets.”

I would imagine that this is what the president and the presidential candidate(s) think we’re thinking. There are, however, a select few who can read straight through a line of bullshit when they see one. What would you get out of paying that much dinero to see el presidente? Nada. Zilch. Zero. Oh wait, there is the possibility that a photograph could be taken with the president and you, but you’d have to pay more for that. What’s that? You want him to sit at the same table as you? Price just went up again. Did you…? What? Oh, price just went up again.

Blasphemy! 

This One’s For the Fellas

You’ll no doubt be happy to learn that not only can you pick your nose and/or hold yourself up with your free hand, but your pee can now make sweet, sweet music in this new urinal called…wait for it…”Guitar Pee”. The name alone speaks volumes about the guy who invented this contraption.

It looks like a guitar and plays a distinctive arrangement of notes each time it is used. You, yes you, will have your very own tune played as you pee! That’s not even the best part. Brace yourselves. It will also record your musical production and your pee tune – once you have flushed – is assigned its very own number which allows folks to stream it on the Guitar Pee website. Yep, that’s right. iPods everywhere will now have the unique musical sound your piss makes downloaded on them. Ringtones will be dedicated to your musical piss. Whores will come from all over wanting you to piss your awesomeness all over them. “O. M. G! Your piss sounds just like Justin Timberlake’s!”

The ultimate peeing experience.

Diamonds and Mary Jane

Today’s blog is going to be about two stupid people that I recently read about. I know, not a big change-up from the other posts, but get over it or fuck off.

Exhibit A is a man who thought it would be a good idea to bury his girlfriend’s engagement ring in the sand. One would think that there would be a few obvious things wrong with this picture. I suppose since he is a brain surgeon the thing that we normal folks call “common sense” doesn’t quite register. I can, however, understand his thought process (which, to be honest, scares the shit out of me). He takes his girlfriend on a romantic walk along the beach and they sit to watch the beautiful colors of the setting sun, when, lo and behold, there is a stunningly shiny diamond ring sticking out of the sand. He then proposes and they live happily ever after blah blah blah. It helps, though, for the proposer to remember where he put said ring in the sand. Seriously? You just spent, I don’t know, 15 seconds coming up with this idea and a ridiculous (I’m sure) amount of money into a diamond ring to, number one, bury it in sand, and, number two, fucking forget where you put it?! Unfortunately, the girlfriend said yes. The story would’ve ended much better had she told him the ring was a piece of shit or just told him to fuck off, kept and hocked the ring, and made millions on her autobiography about how she once briefly dated the biggest idiot brain surgeon on the planet. All stories can’t have a happen ending I suppose…except one.

Exhibit B is a teenage girl (she is 19 but that’s still a teenage girl to me) who drove off with her 5 week old baby in the car seat on the roof of her car.  o_O  He was found strapped in the car seat in the middle of a fucking intersection. Really? I’ve left my coffee mug, my keys, and my bags on my roof, but a child, I’m pretty sure I can remember. Oh wait, that’s unless I’m under the influence of marijuana and I’m 19 and cool as fuck. She was upset that her boyfriend was arrested for DUI and decided to go smoke more pot (she had smoked earlier in the day, too), I guess to numb the feeling that she’s with a complete dumbass. HAHA joke’s on her; dumb whore.

I mentioned earlier a happy ending – the “mother” was arrested and the baby’s in the custody of child protective services. Ok, half of that’s happy since CPS isn’t exactly the greatest and she’ll probably get him back, but for now, it’ll do.