Mother's Day

First, Happy Mother’s Day to all of you hard working ladies out there who are nurturing (or nurtured) young ones, be them the human babies or the animal babies. Your hard work is often overlooked as something easy, however, in my eyes, it’s the hardest job in the world.

Now, on to my rant. I saw some photos today on Yahoo! featuring the California Institute for Women State Prison in Chino, California. They have an annual Mother’s Day event, called Get On The Bus, where children of the inmates are brought to visit their moms in prison. I am unsure how I feel about this. I realize it’s important for kids to have their moms around. I get it. But their moms aren’t around…ever! They’re locked up for God’s sake. And at what costs are the kids heading into the prison to see their moms? Some of the kids haven’t seen their moms in over a year and have to travel hundreds of miles just to visit them there? Do these moms deserve to see their kids? They’re in prison. They’ve obviously done something very unlawful. What good does a kid get out of seeing his/her mom in prison? They’re young and impressionable. What message does this give them?

Do you think the moms deserve to see the kids? Do you think the kids benefit from seeing their moms in prison?

It Really Is Your Own Fault

How many times in a day do you say (or think), “What in the fuck is wrong with people?” There are the people you work with or people in your family or the idiots that don’t know how to drive. But then there is that other breed of people who kill people they don’t even know, or have any connection with whatsoever, with a hammer after raping them. Or people who lie and say they’re pregnant with nine babies. Cause that’s a really fucking cool lie. Imagine, if you will with me for a minute, the thought processes of said individuals:

A.      “Gosh, I’m so tired today. I really should’ve gone to bed earlier and maybe not had that Mt. Dew before bed. I’m just so sleepy! I have to do something to stay awake. Hey, is that a hammer? I could finish that bench I promised Mom I’d fix for her. Where is that Playboy magazine? I know I put it on the bench. Oh, well. I think I’ll take this hammer for a walk. Hey, there’s a lady and her kid. Rape. Kill. Run.”

B.      “Look how adorable my kids are! I can’t believe how they’ve grown to be such good teenagers. And then there’s little Jesus who’s only four years old and will start school next year. I’m so proud. I wish I had more kids but I can’t because my tubes have been tied already. Bummer. IDEA! I’ll tell the world that I’ve already had triplets and that I’m going through fertility treatments to have more little ones. THEN I’ll tell them I’m pregnant with nine babies! Oh this is so good it will make the news everywhere and I’ll be famous!! Fuck you octomom! But what happens when the babies are due? Oh well, I’ll just tell everyone I had a miscarriage or something. Will cross that bridge when I get to it.”

Disturbing, no? People are dick bags and I’ll never understand their stupidity or thought processes. Just because you had a bad childhood, doesn’t mean you can freely kill whoever is in your path. Grow up. Stop blaming shit on your parents. 

Zimmerman/Martin Trial

So, George Zimmerman is out of jail since he paid his bail. For those of you who have been in a cave or are just dumber than shit, that’s the guy who shot and killed Trayvon Martin in Florida.

Zimmerman seems like a nice guy – which is what his defense wants people to think I’m sure – who made a really bad judgment call. Martin, at night wearing a hoodie looking all kinds of shady, was walking in a neighborhood minding his own business. If I see something like that in my ‘hood, I’ll keep my eyes on the guy until he’s out of sight. I wouldn’t have confronted him unless he was obviously up to something. Neighborhood watch means watch, not shoot and kill. Had I seen a problem, I would’ve called the cops and let them handle it because it’s their job.

Martin’s family – and a lot of the world – is getting a little out of hand with the race card. Stop. Everything isn’t about race. I wonder if people are more pissed because Martin and Zimmerman are of different races or because Zimmerman isn’t fully white and they can’t make it a 100% black/white issue. If that was the case, it would be ten times worse. He’s half white and that’s bad enough since Martin is black. But this is not about race. This is about a man who shot a boy and killed him because he thought he was up to no good and didn’t need to be in his neighborhood. Period. Man. Boy. Not black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Latino, Indian…none of that. Be pissed that this man killed this boy. Be pissed that the court let him out on $150,000 bail. Be pissed that he’s only being charged for 2^nd degree murder. Stop with this race bullshit.

Will they set Zimmerman free as they did that baby killing whore, Casey Anthony? Maybe they can hide somewhere together and make more babies since that no-good-for-nothing “mother” wants to have more kids she can kill. I can see the headlines now: kids wrapped in blankets, wearing hoodies with heart stickers and duct tape over their mouths and Skittles and cell phones in their hands, found in trash bags in the middle of the woods. These two will be found by vigilantes one day when everyone has forgotten about them in the news. Now that’s a headline I’d love to see.

To the Extreme

I won’t give this guy too much more recognition than he’s already gotten because he certainly doesn’t deserve all the publicity he’s getting. I will say, briefly, that the Norway shooter is a total wack job, dick bag, mother fucker who needs to be shot in the face (or throat, I’m not partial).

I don’t understand how people can be so one-sided and not in the least bit open minded. If you don’t like what I like or believe what I believe, fuck off. Who cares? I’m not going to shove my beliefs in your face and I will expect you to treat me with the same respect or you can fuck off. It’s pretty simple really. Stay away from people you don’t like. If their existence bothers you that much, get over yourself. We are a diverse world. There is no changing that. Stop killing people because you’re stupid. You solved nothing. You think you destroyed people’s lives and communities, but they will eventually prevail and you will have some guy named Jormungand’s dick shoved up your ass every time you turn around while you’re in prison, hopefully waiting on the day you are put to death. (According to my sources, the name Jormungand means “giant pole,” so look out Norway shooter whose name is irrelevant, good ol’ Jormungand is packing.)

We need more people like Ryan Gosling in the world who want to help people. Had Baby Goose been in Norway at that time, none of this would’ve ever happened. He’s that good.

Kids with Cell Phones

What is this new hype that kids must have cell phones? Now—I’m going to sound old for a minute—when we were young, we didn’t even have the damn things. If you did by chance have one of those extra large ones like Zack had on Saved By the Bell (y’all remember…),  you weren’t hauling it off to school with you—especially when you were less than 10 years old. I’ve seen kids…LITTLE kids…who have them in their back pockets while their mothers use their own cell phones walking around in the store. (Side note to that Mom: Don't be a whore and stop letting your kid go wild in the store while you're not paying attention. Yep, I saw what you were doing.) These people have lost their damn minds. 

Who do they have to call? If they’re out with their friends, surely with the other kid’s parents at a younger age, they are likely to have a phone or can get to one if necessary. What. The. Fuck? Can they actually call folks or is it just for games and such? If it’s the latter, I’ll stop venting. But I doubt that’s the case. Get these fucking kids away from the video games and iPods and TVs and send them outside to play and go on a new adventure everyday like we used to. What’s the obesity rate up to for kids nowadays? Way too fucking high no matter the number. Parents stop. Kids don’t need $200+ cell phones—not to forget the cell phone bills—unless they have a job, have paid for (or helped pay for) it, have shown responsibility, and make good grades. Those categories at least should be recognized before the thought of getting one is even in the air. Let’s not forget that they should also be an appropriate age (and no, five is not appropriate). That’s a shitload of lemonade for all you younger kids that think you deserve a cell phone and can’t even tie your shoes yet. 

"You're 17? I'm 41. We should date."

It’s in the news that the 41 year old man who left his wife and kids for a 17 year old girl is in jail for sexual assault on another 17 year old girl from fourteen years ago. Upon hearing this news and being called from the jail, the know-it-all teenage girl broke up with the spineless fraction of a man. There are a few things that I don’t understand about the entire situation:

1.    What in THE hell possesses a 41 year old guy to leave his family for a teenage girl? And then what does said teenager find attractive about the guy? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

2.    Ew.

3.    I realize that the girl’s mother tried to put an end to the “relationship,” but did she really try her damndest? I’m pretty sure you can make her ass stay home. No phone, no internet, no contact with the outside world. NO. NO. NO.

4.    Why did the act of him being with another 17 year old fourteen years ago affect her and the fact that he was married with kids when he started “seeing” her not bother this stupid girl in the least? Oh, he assaulted that other girl and this girl is a willing whore. I get it now.

This situation to me is not nearly as disgusting as predators of little kids. That is unforgiveable and men should have their dicks cut off in public for doing shit like that. I didn’t forget the women: they should have their uteruses ripped out in public because any woman who can do that do a child should never be able to create life. But, I digress. This little 17 year old whore knew what she was doing. Ok, ok…the dipshit guy probably did a lot of coercing, BUT, she still chose to leave her parent’s house to live with this fuck. And now she’s left him because fourteen years ago he did what? The same thing he just did to her. She claims, “How could he lie to me for all these months and look me in the eye and tell me he loves me? I don’t know how someone could have such a cold heart.” Yet she destroyed a marriage and 2 kid’s lives. Whores never learn.

La Música: It’s Too Fucking Loud, Partner

I get the idea of wanting to listen to music loudly. Sometimes I like to crank that bitch up and roll, you know? BUT, I don’t do that to the extent that I can’t make out the words to the song or that I’m drowned by the bass so badly that I can’t feel my own heartbeat. Explain to me like I’m a five year old why that is the cool thing to do…especially when you’re driving through a neighborhood at 2 am. Hey, you, with your hat on sideways barely touching the top of your head, you’re not cool. Stop. The chick you’re trying to pick up can’t hear you and thinks you’re an asshole for having your music so loud. If she can’t feel the beat, she ain’t gonna jam, you feel me, guy? As my parents used to say, “Turn that shit down!” Maybe I’m getting old and I just can’t take the loudness of it anymore. Nope. That’s not it. I like my rock and I like my rock loud. I’m not, however, tryin’ to blow out my speakers (or eardrums), wake the neighborhood or vibrate every part of my body with the bass.

While I’m on the topic of music, what happened to all the good rock radio stations? Oh, wait, that’s right…they’ve all switched to country music. Why? Because some dick bag sitting in an office thinks it’s a great fucking idea. But if I like a station, I’m going to permanently affix it to my dial and listen while I’m in the car. So, when the execs get a wild hair up their asses to change the genre from 90’s alternative to country, I get a little pissy. I tell my friends, “I found this great station that you have GOT to check out!” and they say, “Uh, it’s county.” Well, shit. What’s worse than your favorite station turning country? It turning Latin. And I don’t mean the old school Latin language…I mean Latino, Spanish, and Mexican…Arriba!... music. That’s more frustrating than country. I turn on the radio and expect to hear Chevelle or The Toadies and I hear La Arrolladora Banda El Limón or Gerardo Ortiz  (I had to look those up; don't think for one second I know who those bands are.) Your digits are now permanently deleted. Thanks to Steve Jobs, I am only forced to listen to country or Latin music when I’m either a) at the saloon kickin’ back a few beers or b) stuffing a burrito loco down my gullet at the local Mexican restaurant. Man was pure genius.

Celebrity Baby Bumps

Can anyone explain to me the hoopla about this? Seriously. Who fucking cares? These people are no more important than my neighbor or my sister. A friend of mine recently wrote, “If I see one more story about a famous whore/actress showing off her baby bump, I just might lacerate my corneas with a rusty jigsaw blade just to alleviate the pain of this media whore circus sideshow.” Ah, media whore circus sideshow. You don’t hear poetry like that every day folks.

I just don’t understand why the second we hear of a celebrity being pregnant (which no one really cares about in the first place) we have to be on immediate baby bump watch with every damn news channel and online magazine there is. This is not news people! How many years has it been now that women have been having babies? Right. We know what a pregnant belly looks like. We also know what women look like after they have their kids. We don’t need a media show of the “hot mamas” (clever word play, btw, news dweebs). Move on to better news like Rick Santorum calling President Obama the “n” word…or almost calling him the “n” word. He did catch himself after all. At least that’ll get a good debate going at the water cooler.

How do you like your placenta?

Apparently, it’s a pretty common thing to eat your own placenta after you give birth. I don’t have my own kids, and even if I did, I wouldn’t go there. That seems, um, what’s the word? Oh, yeah, disgusting. According to this article, a lot of women eat it in the form of a pill, but some eat it as it naturally is. There are even recipes on the Internet—things like roast placenta and placenta pizza—that people can make themselves. Imagine asking your husband which he’d like for dinner: “Hey, husband, would you rather have the spaghetti with placenta balls or the placenta tips and noodles?” “You sure did get a good scald on the placenta today, wifey!” Gross. People say animals eat their own all the time. Ok. They sometimes eat their young and their own shit. They’re animals. We’re humans. I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t eat anything that comes out of your own body. That goes for boogers, wax, blood, piss, shit, and now placentas.

  

You’re Still a Whore

You’re the one who, in 5^th grade, told me that if I put my finger in my mouth and move it in and out, I would know what it’s like to give a blow job…”just without the bone.”

You over there…you’re the one who had the idea to put the tiny organisms from the science experiment in the teacher’s coffee and then screwed said teacher after school.

And let’s not forget, you, the one who screwed your boyfriend at the office on the desk where I worked every single day, while your husband made dinner at home.

You are now the one on facebook who quotes bible verses and tags yourself at church on Sunday mornings. Really? I can’t look you in the eye without laughing. “Oh, I’m so different! I’ve changed! I don’t drink anymore and I don’t whore around and teach kids how to give blow jobs.”  Sure you don’t. "You’re a liar and a whore!" You have kids and don’t want them to grow up the way you did? Whore. It’s only a matter of time before they become little whores, too. You will be a grandparent before you’re 40 years old. Prepare yourself. You’ve been warned. Whore.



A special thank you to The Antisocial Club for the movie quote. 

10 Things That Make Me Want to Punch Someone in the Throat

A few notes before I begin: This list is in no particular order. These are not the only 10 things that make me want to punch someone in the throat nor are they the “top 10.” This is simply a list I threw together in five minutes to waste five minutes of my time and yours.

1.       Attending history classes

2.       Suffering through a long work day

3.       Using incorrect grammar

4.       Not using a turn signal

5.       Saying “I don’t mean to interrupt, but…”

6.       Smacking of food or gum

7.       Using supposebly as if it’s an actual word

8.       Others rummaging through my things

9.       Braking for no reason whatsoever

10.   Taking weakness for granted