Thankful – Day 23 – Winter

I love cold weather and snow. I hate being cold and driving in snow. I love untouched snow. I hate black – and yellow – snow. I think icicles hanging from trees are pretty. Icicles kill people or at least put their eyes out. I like to make snowmen. I hate it when my hands are cold. I like the extra hour of sleep I get when the time changes. I hate it getting dark so quickly and shorter daylight hours. That is all.

The only reason I love/hate Winter.

Thankful – Day 22 – Vacation

Who doesn’t love vacations? Who doesn’t deserve vacations? No one. Even a lame stay-cation that people do nowadays is better than sticking around at your job for another week straight. And if you don’t work and you are at home all day, you still deserve a vacation because I assume that you are a stay at home mom/dad and do all the house stuff. If you don’t, here’s my chance to tell you to get off your lazy ass because your significant other works too hard for vacations for you to be such a schlep.

I’m thankful that my job allows vacations…four weeks of them a year plus holidays and personal days. Not too bad, eh? Don’t be jealous. I’m sure others have it better than I do. Like lottery winners. Vaca all the time, vaca all the time, vaca all the tiiiiiiiime…(that’s to the tune of “Party All the Time” by none other than the Eddie Murphy). Powerball is up to $325 million. Please wait while I hold my breath….

It's definitely time for a vacation if you've reached this point.

Thankful – Day 21 – Underwear

Yep, underwear, for without it, everyone would have a nasty rash from blue jeans and we really would know what it looks like in that fat, hairy guy’s pants – you know, the one who always likes to wear the light colored pants with the half buttoned Hawaiian shirt?

People who go commando – without drawers – are highly disgusting people. The only time you should not be wearing drawers when clothed is for bathing suits/trunks. The rest of the time you should pretty much be wearing underwear unless you’re naked. In a perfect world, people would wear underwear that actually fits and doesn’t stick out of the top of their jeans – ladies, I’m talking to you with the thongs, guys I’m talking to you with plumber's cracks (I realize this goes both ways, girls have plumber’s cracks and guys wear thongs but that’s a whole ‘nother story). In any case, you should all be wearing underwear and I’m thankful that you do even if it doesn’t fit well. Baby steps.

"I know I'm forgetting something...."

Thankful – Day 20 – Twinkies

With all the crap going on with Hostess and the (possible) selling of Twinkies, I have to say that I’ve never been that big of a Twinkies fan. Why am I thankful for them then? I’m glad you asked. For one, the sweet cream in the middle is like nothing else. I could live without the cake part…just give me a vat of the cream filling. They introduced the chocolate filled ones which are good, too, but not as good as the regular. There are also deep fried Twinkies that folks usually get at county fairs. Those are gross. Not everything should be deep fried, as hard as that is to believe. For two, I’ve been called a “Twinkie” a time or two without knowing why or the meaning behind it. I believe one direct quote was, “blah blah blah what’s a 25 year old Twinkie want with you blah blah blah.” I still don’t understand it 9 years later but now it makes me laugh every time I see Twinkies. So for that, I’m thankful.

"This is how you do it with a smile on your face, honey."

Thankful – Day 19 – Socks

Socks are pretty awesome because they’ve been around for hundreds of years. In the really early days, they were worn as a sign of wealth by the nobility. What did the poor people wear you ask? More than likely animal skins or furs wrapped around their feet (at least that’s what the ancient Greeks did). If they didn’t do that, they probably went to the local Wal-Mart and stole a pair (I know a lady who can help you out with that if you need socks…or bras or purses…whatever she can grab.). Gotta keep those feet warm folks. You should tell your kids what Lt. Dan told Forrest and Bubba (they’re stupid and will believe anything you tell them): “There is one item of G.I. gear that can be the difference between a live grunt and a dead grunt. Socks, cushion sole, O.D. green. Try and keep your feet dry when we’re out humpin’. I want you boys to remember to change your socks wherever we stop. The Mekong will eat a grunt’s feet right off his legs.” 

That’s right, little Timmy. They will EAT. YOUR. FEET.

"You twins?"

Thankful – Day 18 – Rainbows

Who doesn’t love a rainbow? If you don’t, you’re queer and if you’re queer you really should anyway for logo purposes. (I know, I used the word in a politically incorrect way and may be a little hypocritical of my last post, but you’ll get over it I promise.) There can be the nastiest, ugliest, most devastating storm on the planet and after it’s all over, there’s a pretty rainbow there to brighten your dark day. You can turn the water hose on to water your flowers and BAM! there’s a rainbow in the mist. What’s cool to me is that a rainbow is always in the same color order: Roy G. Biv (or for the ignorant folks who don’t have a clue who or what that is: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet). It’s just cool. Too bad there really isn’t a pot o’ gold at the end of it…or is there? I’ve never seen the end of a rainbow in the sky before….hmmmm. 

A double rainbow is even better.

Thankful – Day 17 – Queer

The word queer can be used for so many things. The most well-known usage is calling someone a queer as a derogatory form of calling them gay. Now, we all know that that’s not very nice but people have said worse. In reality, queer can be used for anything strange or odd. (Are gay people really strange or odd? Ok, some of them are, but so are heteros.) You can have queer clothing, a queer hair style, or a queer dog. You can be in a queer situation or feel queer. You can even queer someone and get them fired (in this case, it means to put someone in a bad position). I like the word queer because it’s like the word fuck in that it can be a noun, verb, or adjective. It’s a great word. People should stop being so queer and bring it back…with its original meaning. 

This is a queer quote.

Thankful – Day 16 – Peppermint Bark

If you’ve never had peppermint bark but you love peppermint and white and dark chocolate, get to the store ASAP and get some. If you can’t find the good ol’ homemade kind, get the kind that Dove makes. (Not Dove the soap, Dove the candy. Don’t eat soap.) I guarantee that you will eat an entire bag by the end of the day or in an hour or less. 

The good old-fashioned homemade kind.

The second best option.

Thankful – Day 15 – Orange

Nope, not orangES – the color orange. It is my most favorite color in the world; therefore it deserves a shout out in its own blog entry. If you don’t like orange, piss off.

I’m not talking about that bright ass Tennessee orange color or the color of highway signs/cones/barrels. I’m talking more of a burnt orange, like Texas orange. (And, no, I don’t give two shits about Tennessee or Texas teams.) It’s nice and pleasant and easy on the eyes and you don’t need sunglasses to look at it when you’re outside. I’d like to have an orange car. That’s my next goal. Orange diamonds would be cool but they’d be manmade and who wants that? Orange is also a nice color in the fall or in a sunset. Orange eyeballs would be neat, too. Ok, now I’m just rambling. You get the picture. I really like orange.

See, isn't this nice?

And you know you want to be here.

Thankful – Day 14 – Naysayers

The definition of a naysayer is someone who denies, refuses, opposes, or is skeptical or cynical about something and who habitually expresses negative or pessimistic views of it. I am thankful for them because there isn't one person in this world who is not negative about something. Religion and politics are probably the two most hated subjects and get people the most heated. For example: I believe in God and democrats. That’s pretty much it. Everything else doesn’t exist including those aliens and reptilians that everyone talks about (unless the republicans are reptilians, then I’ll believe that). No matter what you say, I will not change my mind, you lying whore. Don’t bother showing me proof because I still won’t believe it because  you lied to me last week when you said you’d get me some fries from McDonald’s and you didn’t. How can I ever believe you again? Liar.

See? Naysayers can be fun. They’re the people you pick on because you think you’re right all the time just like they do. 

The President and McKayla aren't impressed with you, you naysayer.

Thankful – Day 13 – Manwich

Remember the old saying, “A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal?” It’s from the 70’s so if you don’t remember that one, how about the newer one for my  younger readers: “Make tonight a Manwich night!” Now you know. Manwich is the easiest shit in the world to make and what’s even better now is that they’re advertising that it has lots of veggies so you don’t even have to warm up sides. So, when you get home from a shitty day at work and your kids are annoying the piss out of you about dinner and the dog just shit all over the carpet, do this:

Stove Top:

1.       Brown 1 lb. lean ground beef (or ¾ lb. ground turkey) in large skillet until no longer pink; drain.

2.       Stir in one 15.5-16-ounce can of Manwich; heat through.

3.       Serve on hamburger buns.

Or this which is way better:

Microwave:

1.       Crumble 1 lb. lean ground beef (or ¾ lb. ground turkey) into microwave safe container.

2.       Microwave, covered, on HIGH for 5 minutes or until no longer pink; drain.

3.       Stir in 1 can Manwich; heat through.

4.       Serve on hamburger buns.

Then slap it on a plate and tell your kids to shut the hell up, put the dog out, and go let Calgon take you away.

Now that's a Manwich!

Thankful – Day 12 – Liposuction

What better way to remove that unwanted fat in your thighs, butt, or neck than to go under the knife? God forbid you actually do exercise or eat healthier to get rid of it. Lipo is for lazy people. Don’t confuse this with that gastro surgery folks get to help them lose weight. It’s not the same thing. Usually, lipo is done by some lazy, rich, white housewife who has nothing better to do with her husband’s money than to get her butt done...and not by the pool boy. He will, after all, dump her as soon as she turns 35, so she needs to look her best for as long as she can. I guess I’m thankful for liposuction because if you are lazy, it does work, but also because I can make fun of it and rich, white housewives.

Oh, Javier!? Come check out my new ass.

Thankful – Day 11 – Krusty the Clown

Since 1989, Krusty the Clown has been on The Simpsons. I was a kid at that time and I watched the show but I’m also terrified of clowns – all clowns except Krusty. I think if all clowns everywhere were like Krusty, I wouldn’t be afraid to go near one. I don’t even like the "nice friendly" ones who make balloon animals. But Krusty is my kind of clown and, admittedly, it’s mostly because he’s animated but also because he just doesn’t give a shit what he says or does. 

Need I say more?

Thankful – Day 10 – Jesus

Jesus is an all-around great guy. He’s loving, forgiving, and will do almost anything he can do for you. He will even tell you that something is not good for you if you ask. People often quote him when they give out advice or when others need words of encouragement or inspiration. There are a select few people who don’t like Jesus, however, because he tells it like it is and is loved by so many people. Mostly they’re just jealous because they do not understand him. If they’d only give him a chance, they’d realize Jesus really is the best at what he does, even if he is a little quirky and old-fashioned at times. So, here’s to Jesus…the best damn guy I know. 

That's Jesus in the middle. Such a great guy!

Thankful – Day 9 – Ice Cubes

There is nothing more refreshing than a nice, tall glass of cold water or Coke or whatever your beverage of choice may be on the hottest days of Summer. Captain and Diet Coke? Ok. Scotch on the rocks? Maybe. People even put ice in their coffee these days which I find disgusting because I find coffee disgusting. Ice is great because it’s simple to make and what’s better is lots of times you don’t even have to make your own because damn near everyone has an ice maker in their refrigerators. They even sell bags of the shit in supermarkets and gas stations. So even if you’re the laziest fucker in the world, you can enjoy a nice, cold beverage. Pure genius.

For the lazy fucks of the world.

Thankful – Day 8 – Hash Browns

Hash browns are one of the greatest creations – ever. Let’s not confuse them with country fried potatoes…those are cubed potatoes. Hash browns are shredded or julienned potatoes. Waffle House makes them the best where you can get them scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, topped, country, or all of the above. The crap they sell at McDonald’s that’s all smashed together in some kind of rectangular oval and call those hash browns aren’t really hash browns in my book. I’ll eat them, but I don’t have to love them. You be the judge.

Crappy Mcdonald's hash browns.

Fantastically outstanding Waffle House hash browns.

There is really no contest. I believe we have a clear winner.

Thankful – Day 7 – Green

The color green that is. I just like it. Is it my favorite color? No. But it’s still nice. It means things are still alive and fresh and new. Unless it’s gangrene and that’s just gross and not really green at all because it’s not spelled like green. 

It's alive!

Thankful – Day 6 – Facebook

I think what I like most about Facebook is that it gives people balls that they wouldn’t have if they were right in your face. People will say anything on there and not give a shit if it hurts your feelings or goes against anything you stand for. “Freedom of Speech,” they all proclaim. But the time they see you at Wal-Mart, they are your best friends. They give you a hug and ask how your Mama’s doing and then, when they get home, they log in and completely bash every fucking thing that they know you stand for.

Facebook also gets people fired or thrown in jail, too. It’s because these people don’t think about what they’re putting out there for the world to see. You can’t say how much you hate your fucking boss and that you are going to kill him the next time you go in to work. That shit’ll get you fired AND put in jail. Stupidity really does shine through on social networks. Thanks Facebook-creator-guy.

Really adidas? Facebook shoes?

Thankful – Day 5 – Escalators

I tossed the elevator and the escalator around before I finally landed on the escalator. Escalators are much more reliable in emergency situations. When you think about it, there aren’t that many reasons there would be an emergency situation on an escalator unless you’ve been to Washington, DC and are on your way up or down to the trains where people will just as soon push you down them than look at you. I get it. I don’t want people in my way either. An elevator, however, can be deathly. You can get stuck in an elevator for hours losing oxygen to the sweaty, fat guy who lives on your floor. A kid gets in and thinks it’s hilarious to push every floor button in a 60 story building and you have to get to floor 58. The electricity goes out, so does the elevator. The cables snap, there goes your life. With an escalator, none of that happens. Worst case the electricity goes out and you have to walk up or down them. Much better.  Escalators 1, Elevators 0.

My kind of fitness center.

Thankful – Day 4 – Deliveries

Any time you can have something delivered is always nice. Take-out, appliances, groceries, furniture, gifts, etc. are all nice things that you don’t have to get off your own lazy ass to do. Most of the time, I don’t feel like going to the store to get your birthday gift. I will find it online and have it delivered. Lots of times I don’t feel like making dinner. In one phone call, I can have dinner delivered in 30 minutes or less (I may not even have to pay for it if it takes longer than 30 minutes. This gets 2 points.) If you’re not taking advantage of having things delivered, you’re working too hard. These people do this for money, you’re not. You just paid a bunch of money for that sectional couch and recliner. Have someone else move it in.

"I bring sofa next, yes?"

Thankful – Day 3 – Columbo

He’s a detective, he’s a pest, he’s disheveled-looking, but he gets the job done. I miss Columbo. I think a lot of TV shows are trying to copy it – all the CSI’s, Criminal Minds – but no one will ever beat out Peter Falk. They should really stop trying because he’s the original (even if he wasn’t, he is). He’s what made all these detective shows today. If you’ve never seen it, you should climb out from under your rock and live a little. Columbo is where it’s at. 

"One more thing..."

Thankful – Day 2 – Balls

There are so many different kinds of balls it’s hard to be thankful for just one, so I’m thankful for them all. Snow balls, eyeballs, popcorn balls, men’s balls, baseballs, basketballs, footballs, those balls you hold in your hand to massage (I’m too lazy to Google), cotton balls, Swedish meatballs, sausage balls…. I’m sure the list could go on as long as Bubba’s list of ways to cook shrimp in da shrimpin’ bidness. But for now, please take this time and comment on some of your favorite balls.  

Sausage Balls

Thankful in November

Since it’s November, and we’re supposed to be all thankful for shit, I’m going to yet again conform and list things I’m thankful for every day in November. I realize it’s the 4^th and I have some catching up to do, so don’t start commenting that it’s the 4^th and I’m behind. I am going to somewhat follow my good friend The Antisocial Club  by having the different things I’m thankful for following the alphabet. For example, day 1 = something that starts with the letter A, day 2 = something that starts with the letter B, etc. I also realize there are 26 letters in the alphabet and 30 days in November, so there will be 4 days that I will be thankful for whatever the hell I want…or maybe you’ll be thankful that I didn’t blog that day. Either way, it’s noted. This blog will also start day 1 and there will be 3 more separate blog entries for me to catch up. Feel free to steal this idea but credit me and not The Antisocial Club because you’re my readers, not his, even though he’s probably the only one reading this.

Thankful – Day 1 – Automobiles

I think it’s pretty clear why. We’d still be walking or beating the shit out of horses if it wasn’t for automobiles. Although, if they weren’t invented but every other form of transportation we have today was – buses, planes, trains, etc. – how weird would that be? You’d constantly be surrounded by people and screaming babies and people kicking the back of your seat anytime you wanted to go anywhere. I don’t like that. I like automobiles. 

"Don't make me turn this car around."

Eye Roll of the Day

The whore herself, Paris Hilton, on gay guys:

"Ew, ew. Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS...I would be so scared if I was a gay guy. You'll like, die of AIDS."

Her voice and her lack of common decency are more annoying than this dog-dick gnat that keeps flying around me. She's a dumb whore and an absolute nobody. Money isn't everything.

Royal Pains in the Ass

Has anyone who is beyond their 20s forgotten what it’s like to be in your 20s? You do stupid shit all the time. Why? So you’ll learn. If you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’re an idiot and will be on some reality TV show in the future and will make millions which you will blow on idiotic things and proceed to your new career at McDonald’s. Congratulations, you’re still an idiot.

Seriously though, the young Royals are going out nude all over the place lately. Yep, they’re young and stupid, too. Kate, however, is in her 30s. That shit should start to slow down a lot here within the near future. She knows better than to lay out on the beach topless, even if it is in France. You. Have. People. Following. You. All. The. Time. Wear clothes! And where’s William this whole time? Ogling over her I’m sure in complete awe of how beautiful his young bride is. Hello? McFly? You can’t fucking do that and expect it not to be all over the internet and then be pissed about it when it does show up there. And now Granny is pissed…again. She was already pissed because Harry was acting like a 20 year old. God forbid! But when I was in Vegas partying topless in a bar, no one cared. You didn’t see pictures of me all over the internet and even if you did, you didn’t know it was me. The sight of Royal boobs or shlong? That’s headline news. That shit sells papers and pisses off the rest of the Royal family. I personally think it’s hilarious and hope they give all those stuffy Brits the big ol’ middle finger when they’re running the joint. If not, well, in the words of Jerry Lee Lewis in the movie Great Balls of Fire, “England can kiss my ass!” 

Patriot Day

For those of you who don’t know what Patriot Day is you should really be ashamed and you’ll have to Google it because I’m not telling you. And, no, it has nothing to do with Mel Gibson.

I don’t have a problem at all with this day. I have no problem remembering that dreadful day in American history (other than sadness). I also don’t have an issue with the memorial that’s being built in the WTC’s place. I completely get that people should be remembered and I love the idea that EVERYONE’S names are surrounding the fountain…very cool. BUT is it worth putting New York and the US in more debt? I mean, this fountain and the new building with the museum cost $700 million to build and will cost $60 million a year to function. Has anyone really thought this through? There is a modest memorial at Arlington National Cemetery that is in the shape of the Pentagon with people’s names on it, the date, and such. I think that will suffice. Why couldn’t New York just do something like that? Or maybe just a small museum if they want to showcase artifacts or just the fountain? Seven hundred million dollars seems a little steep; ok, a lot steep. I could definitely use $700 million if they are looking to just do something with it. I would split it up between all the family members that lost loved ones or give it to the charity of their choice. Build nothing there. It’s been bombed twice. I think that’s enough for one area. 

Mary J. and BK

I discussed Chick-fil-A and the ridiculousness of that fiasco and now it’s Burger King’s turn. Theirs doesn’t deal with homosexuality. It deals with racism, or what some perceive to be a racist act, in what I call the most fucking ridiculous argument ever.

In a commercial that was released for BK, Mary J. Blige is singing about chicken. Now, before you go there you stereotypical bastard, watch the commercial. From it, there is nothing that can be even remotely considered racist. Is it only because she’s black and she’s dancing and singing about chicken? Seriously. Is it? That’s just a stereotype like all Asians are really smart and have small penises. Is it racist of me to say that? I'm sure there are some really stupid Asians and some who have large penises just as I'm sure there are black people who can't dance or sing and don't like chicken. I don't think a black woman dancing and singing about chicken is racist. I’d like to meet some of the people who were offended by this so I can punch them in their throats. Would a white guy make singing about chicken better? I really don’t understand.

What makes this even worse is the fact that Mary J. Blige fucking apologized for singing it. She thought what she was doing was right, but her lame-ass fans didn’t, so she apologized to them. This, in turn, prompted BK to apologize to her fans, too. What the fuck are they apologizing for? It’s fast food chicken. She’s singing. The end. Shut the fuck up and move on. 

The Great Chick-fil-A Debate

First, a little history:

The first actual Chick-fil-A restaurant opened in Greenbriar Mall near Atlanta, GA in 1967. It was sprung from another restaurant the Cathy’s had called The Dwarf House (some Chick-fil-A’s still have this name attached to them) that began in circa 1944. Neither The Dwarf House nor Chick-fil-A has ever been opened on Sunday due partly to the fact that they were tired after working the other 6 days but mostly because the Cathy’s are devout Christians, making Sunday the day of rest and prayer. **Make a mental note of that last part, folks.** Just for the fun of it, we’ll say that CFA started in 1944 (at least the idea of it) so that makes 68 years that this restaurant has been in business. For you people who want to get technical, from 1967 it’s been 45 years. My point is they’ve been opened longer than my readers have been alive (I’m assuming) and that’s a long time.

So, with that said, they’ve been opened and doing quite well with the standards they started out with. And by standards, I mean Christian standards. Sixty eight….or 45….YEARS. I don’t understand all the hoopla about them “all-of-the-sudden” being against non-traditional Christian ways. I said earlier they are devout Christians. That means they’re seriously devoted to God for those of you who were lost in the history portion of this blog. Depending on what you believe, God’s against gays and especially them getting married and so is CFA and most of the Republican Party.

Me? I couldn’t care less. If two people love each other enough to want to get married, I say hell yeah, go for it. Who cares? I also don’t care that CFA is against the concept of gays getting married. I don’t care what politicians try to use this angle to make themselves look better in the eyes of God and the American people. I just don’t give a fuck and you know why? Chick-fil-A makes a fucking good chicken sandwich. And the waffle fries? Outstanding. I like almost everything on their menu. I don’t care if they kneel down and pray to a goat for 2 hours every day and then eat the goat’s shit; I will not stop eating there. They employ very courteous people and I’ve never once had to send an order back or gotten the wrong order in the drive thru. Never! And I’ve been eating there for a lot of years. You few people out there who have eaten CFA for years and now are boycotting for some idiotic reason should be ashamed. And guess what? It won’t matter one bit to CFA because they will still make their money from people like me who will continue to eat there. You can try to ban it or try to not have one built in your neighborhood, but it won’t matter. They’ll just build somewhere else and make way more money than you ever will. So just suck it up and go get a chicken sandwich and some waffle fries. And a sweet tea. You know you want to. 

2012 Olympics: Opening Ceremony

London 2012

I realize everyone will be talking about the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in London pretty much everywhere. So I decided I’m going to conform with the masses for once. But I don’t want to talk about how hideous most of the uniforms were for most of the teams or how weird the opening ceremonies were (that really big baby was just creepy). And I don’t want to talk about why NBC failed to start the coverage at the actual time of coverage and show it on the east coast of the US because I don’t care about that and if anyone really does, they should seriously get a life. I especially don’t want to talk about the Queen and her complete lack of emotion or how the USA Girls Volleyball team has been stalking Prince Harry. Or Mr. Bean. Ugh.

I guess that pretty much sums it up…oh, wait, there is one more set of folks I’ve failed to mention: The Commentators—Matt Lauer, Bob Costas, and Meredith Viera. Who else wanted to mute their television sets due to these three stooges not knowing how to pronounce almost every country and their lame Olympic histories…and singing? I’m pretty sure at one point Meredith Viera was singing along with the Rolling Stones. And then there’s the time she said the “money shot” of the night was the Queen. Really Meredith? The money shot? How about when Matt Lauer said (and I’m paraphrasing here), the vast number of athletes here won’t win a medal. Thanks Sherlock; I’m sure your next job can be motivational speaker. Other than Bob Costas not telling these two douche canoes to shut the fuck up and his awful pronunciations, I really didn’t have too much of a problem with him. He’s an old man, though, but he’s no Dick Clark—I can’t see Bob doing this until he’s 82.  

“The Dark Knight” Has Risen

Before I begin, I would like to say that I feel for the families of the people whose lives were lost in the horrible shootings in Colorado. I hope the responsible son of a bitch fries. In public.

Onto this guy (whose name I don’t know and don’t care to know)…I don’t know how many of you have read various reports about this guy and his methods, but within my reading of what happened, I got the feeling in one article that his mother basically knew that he was fucked in the head. She was not at all surprised that her son did this:

A San Diego woman identifying herself as James Holmes's mother spoke briefly with ABC News this morning.

She had awoken unaware of the news of the shooting and had not been contacted by authorities. She immediately expressed concern that her son may have been involved.

"You have the right person," she said.

"I need to call the police," she added. "I need to fly out to Colorado."

So. Ok. What? Does this mean she knew her son had some sort of problems? Why—Oh Why!—do people just let folks walk around who are this mentally ill? I’m sorry but if you recognize some shit happening with your kid you better fucking pay attention. Whore.

And now…I know you have these around you, too…I have these idiotic people around me that say, “If I was there I would’ve punched him or dropped him or kicked him or….” Well, guess what, you’re stupid. It’s nice in retrospect that you’re not the victim and you can say that you’d do all these things. Shut up. You’re only making yourself look dumber. Until anyone is in that situation, you don’t know what the hell you’re going to do. Here’s what I think you can do: fuck off.

On another note, I hope this doesn’t stop people from seeing “The Dark Knight Rises” (or going to the movies or anywhere else for that matter). I saw the movie yesterday and it’s a fantastic film. All of you Batman fans will like it. I’m actually pretty sad that this was Christian Bale’s last go as the Batman. What will we do without that scratchy, throaty voice?

Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day to all you hard-working dads. Those dads who aren’t, well you’re losers and you deserve less than a tie, which equals nothing.

Why do people think that fathers everywhere want anything related to beer and sports for Father’s Day? Lame. Ties? Also lame as hell. I’m not a father, so I’m not going to act like I know what they want, but I’m pretty sure by the reactions of my own father, they don’t want that shit. You know what I think dads want? A home-cooked meal. That’s right, kiddos. Get your asses in the kitchen and make your daddy some meat and potatoes and you’ll have him wrapped. Throw in a pie at the end of the meal and you’ve got that car you’ve always wanted and yes, you can go to that concert with your friends. Dads also want electronics…iPads. What kid on the planet (besides those gazillionaire asshole kids who already have the latest installment of…everything) has the cashola to pay for that? Sorry, dad. Here’s some country fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy…homemade gravy. And biscuits. Don’t forget dad’s like bread so they can sop up all that greasy yumminess you’ve fried together in the ol’ iron skillet. That’ll be enough for him to say, “uh, what iPad?” 

Forget the Brown Bag Lunch

Am I the only one who thinks that spending $40,000+ on a ticket to sit with the president–or a presidential candidate for that matter–and eat or listen to him ramble is the most fucking ridiculous thing pretty much ever? First of all, since you’re doing all this preaching about trying to help the middle class get better jobs and make more money, do you really think they will be able to afford such things? The median household income for most Americans is around $49,445 (according to the 2010 Census Bureau, I didn’t make that up). Hmm. Something doesn’t quite equal out.

“Let’s see…I make $30,000 a year but I reeeeally want to see the president live and have lunch at some celebrity’s house so I can see a bunch of other whores that are filthy rich and throwing their money around like it’s scrap paper. I think I’ll take out a loan or get a second mortgage on my house! Yes! The housing market is back up and doing well, right? Wait. Is it? Oh well. It’s the PODUS! He’ll help me pay it back if he gets elected again. I could meet George Clooney at his house?? Put me down for 2 tickets.”

I would imagine that this is what the president and the presidential candidate(s) think we’re thinking. There are, however, a select few who can read straight through a line of bullshit when they see one. What would you get out of paying that much dinero to see el presidente? Nada. Zilch. Zero. Oh wait, there is the possibility that a photograph could be taken with the president and you, but you’d have to pay more for that. What’s that? You want him to sit at the same table as you? Price just went up again. Did you…? What? Oh, price just went up again.

Blasphemy! 

This One’s For the Fellas

You’ll no doubt be happy to learn that not only can you pick your nose and/or hold yourself up with your free hand, but your pee can now make sweet, sweet music in this new urinal called…wait for it…”Guitar Pee”. The name alone speaks volumes about the guy who invented this contraption.

It looks like a guitar and plays a distinctive arrangement of notes each time it is used. You, yes you, will have your very own tune played as you pee! That’s not even the best part. Brace yourselves. It will also record your musical production and your pee tune – once you have flushed – is assigned its very own number which allows folks to stream it on the Guitar Pee website. Yep, that’s right. iPods everywhere will now have the unique musical sound your piss makes downloaded on them. Ringtones will be dedicated to your musical piss. Whores will come from all over wanting you to piss your awesomeness all over them. “O. M. G! Your piss sounds just like Justin Timberlake’s!”

The ultimate peeing experience.

Diamonds and Mary Jane

Today’s blog is going to be about two stupid people that I recently read about. I know, not a big change-up from the other posts, but get over it or fuck off.

Exhibit A is a man who thought it would be a good idea to bury his girlfriend’s engagement ring in the sand. One would think that there would be a few obvious things wrong with this picture. I suppose since he is a brain surgeon the thing that we normal folks call “common sense” doesn’t quite register. I can, however, understand his thought process (which, to be honest, scares the shit out of me). He takes his girlfriend on a romantic walk along the beach and they sit to watch the beautiful colors of the setting sun, when, lo and behold, there is a stunningly shiny diamond ring sticking out of the sand. He then proposes and they live happily ever after blah blah blah. It helps, though, for the proposer to remember where he put said ring in the sand. Seriously? You just spent, I don’t know, 15 seconds coming up with this idea and a ridiculous (I’m sure) amount of money into a diamond ring to, number one, bury it in sand, and, number two, fucking forget where you put it?! Unfortunately, the girlfriend said yes. The story would’ve ended much better had she told him the ring was a piece of shit or just told him to fuck off, kept and hocked the ring, and made millions on her autobiography about how she once briefly dated the biggest idiot brain surgeon on the planet. All stories can’t have a happen ending I suppose…except one.

Exhibit B is a teenage girl (she is 19 but that’s still a teenage girl to me) who drove off with her 5 week old baby in the car seat on the roof of her car.  o_O  He was found strapped in the car seat in the middle of a fucking intersection. Really? I’ve left my coffee mug, my keys, and my bags on my roof, but a child, I’m pretty sure I can remember. Oh wait, that’s unless I’m under the influence of marijuana and I’m 19 and cool as fuck. She was upset that her boyfriend was arrested for DUI and decided to go smoke more pot (she had smoked earlier in the day, too), I guess to numb the feeling that she’s with a complete dumbass. HAHA joke’s on her; dumb whore.

I mentioned earlier a happy ending – the “mother” was arrested and the baby’s in the custody of child protective services. Ok, half of that’s happy since CPS isn’t exactly the greatest and she’ll probably get him back, but for now, it’ll do. 

Mother's Day

First, Happy Mother’s Day to all of you hard working ladies out there who are nurturing (or nurtured) young ones, be them the human babies or the animal babies. Your hard work is often overlooked as something easy, however, in my eyes, it’s the hardest job in the world.

Now, on to my rant. I saw some photos today on Yahoo! featuring the California Institute for Women State Prison in Chino, California. They have an annual Mother’s Day event, called Get On The Bus, where children of the inmates are brought to visit their moms in prison. I am unsure how I feel about this. I realize it’s important for kids to have their moms around. I get it. But their moms aren’t around…ever! They’re locked up for God’s sake. And at what costs are the kids heading into the prison to see their moms? Some of the kids haven’t seen their moms in over a year and have to travel hundreds of miles just to visit them there? Do these moms deserve to see their kids? They’re in prison. They’ve obviously done something very unlawful. What good does a kid get out of seeing his/her mom in prison? They’re young and impressionable. What message does this give them?

Do you think the moms deserve to see the kids? Do you think the kids benefit from seeing their moms in prison?

It Really Is Your Own Fault

How many times in a day do you say (or think), “What in the fuck is wrong with people?” There are the people you work with or people in your family or the idiots that don’t know how to drive. But then there is that other breed of people who kill people they don’t even know, or have any connection with whatsoever, with a hammer after raping them. Or people who lie and say they’re pregnant with nine babies. Cause that’s a really fucking cool lie. Imagine, if you will with me for a minute, the thought processes of said individuals:

A.      “Gosh, I’m so tired today. I really should’ve gone to bed earlier and maybe not had that Mt. Dew before bed. I’m just so sleepy! I have to do something to stay awake. Hey, is that a hammer? I could finish that bench I promised Mom I’d fix for her. Where is that Playboy magazine? I know I put it on the bench. Oh, well. I think I’ll take this hammer for a walk. Hey, there’s a lady and her kid. Rape. Kill. Run.”

B.      “Look how adorable my kids are! I can’t believe how they’ve grown to be such good teenagers. And then there’s little Jesus who’s only four years old and will start school next year. I’m so proud. I wish I had more kids but I can’t because my tubes have been tied already. Bummer. IDEA! I’ll tell the world that I’ve already had triplets and that I’m going through fertility treatments to have more little ones. THEN I’ll tell them I’m pregnant with nine babies! Oh this is so good it will make the news everywhere and I’ll be famous!! Fuck you octomom! But what happens when the babies are due? Oh well, I’ll just tell everyone I had a miscarriage or something. Will cross that bridge when I get to it.”

Disturbing, no? People are dick bags and I’ll never understand their stupidity or thought processes. Just because you had a bad childhood, doesn’t mean you can freely kill whoever is in your path. Grow up. Stop blaming shit on your parents. 

Zimmerman/Martin Trial

So, George Zimmerman is out of jail since he paid his bail. For those of you who have been in a cave or are just dumber than shit, that’s the guy who shot and killed Trayvon Martin in Florida.

Zimmerman seems like a nice guy – which is what his defense wants people to think I’m sure – who made a really bad judgment call. Martin, at night wearing a hoodie looking all kinds of shady, was walking in a neighborhood minding his own business. If I see something like that in my ‘hood, I’ll keep my eyes on the guy until he’s out of sight. I wouldn’t have confronted him unless he was obviously up to something. Neighborhood watch means watch, not shoot and kill. Had I seen a problem, I would’ve called the cops and let them handle it because it’s their job.

Martin’s family – and a lot of the world – is getting a little out of hand with the race card. Stop. Everything isn’t about race. I wonder if people are more pissed because Martin and Zimmerman are of different races or because Zimmerman isn’t fully white and they can’t make it a 100% black/white issue. If that was the case, it would be ten times worse. He’s half white and that’s bad enough since Martin is black. But this is not about race. This is about a man who shot a boy and killed him because he thought he was up to no good and didn’t need to be in his neighborhood. Period. Man. Boy. Not black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Latino, Indian…none of that. Be pissed that this man killed this boy. Be pissed that the court let him out on $150,000 bail. Be pissed that he’s only being charged for 2^nd degree murder. Stop with this race bullshit.

Will they set Zimmerman free as they did that baby killing whore, Casey Anthony? Maybe they can hide somewhere together and make more babies since that no-good-for-nothing “mother” wants to have more kids she can kill. I can see the headlines now: kids wrapped in blankets, wearing hoodies with heart stickers and duct tape over their mouths and Skittles and cell phones in their hands, found in trash bags in the middle of the woods. These two will be found by vigilantes one day when everyone has forgotten about them in the news. Now that’s a headline I’d love to see.

To the Extreme

I won’t give this guy too much more recognition than he’s already gotten because he certainly doesn’t deserve all the publicity he’s getting. I will say, briefly, that the Norway shooter is a total wack job, dick bag, mother fucker who needs to be shot in the face (or throat, I’m not partial).

I don’t understand how people can be so one-sided and not in the least bit open minded. If you don’t like what I like or believe what I believe, fuck off. Who cares? I’m not going to shove my beliefs in your face and I will expect you to treat me with the same respect or you can fuck off. It’s pretty simple really. Stay away from people you don’t like. If their existence bothers you that much, get over yourself. We are a diverse world. There is no changing that. Stop killing people because you’re stupid. You solved nothing. You think you destroyed people’s lives and communities, but they will eventually prevail and you will have some guy named Jormungand’s dick shoved up your ass every time you turn around while you’re in prison, hopefully waiting on the day you are put to death. (According to my sources, the name Jormungand means “giant pole,” so look out Norway shooter whose name is irrelevant, good ol’ Jormungand is packing.)

We need more people like Ryan Gosling in the world who want to help people. Had Baby Goose been in Norway at that time, none of this would’ve ever happened. He’s that good.

Kids with Cell Phones

What is this new hype that kids must have cell phones? Now—I’m going to sound old for a minute—when we were young, we didn’t even have the damn things. If you did by chance have one of those extra large ones like Zack had on Saved By the Bell (y’all remember…),  you weren’t hauling it off to school with you—especially when you were less than 10 years old. I’ve seen kids…LITTLE kids…who have them in their back pockets while their mothers use their own cell phones walking around in the store. (Side note to that Mom: Don't be a whore and stop letting your kid go wild in the store while you're not paying attention. Yep, I saw what you were doing.) These people have lost their damn minds. 

Who do they have to call? If they’re out with their friends, surely with the other kid’s parents at a younger age, they are likely to have a phone or can get to one if necessary. What. The. Fuck? Can they actually call folks or is it just for games and such? If it’s the latter, I’ll stop venting. But I doubt that’s the case. Get these fucking kids away from the video games and iPods and TVs and send them outside to play and go on a new adventure everyday like we used to. What’s the obesity rate up to for kids nowadays? Way too fucking high no matter the number. Parents stop. Kids don’t need $200+ cell phones—not to forget the cell phone bills—unless they have a job, have paid for (or helped pay for) it, have shown responsibility, and make good grades. Those categories at least should be recognized before the thought of getting one is even in the air. Let’s not forget that they should also be an appropriate age (and no, five is not appropriate). That’s a shitload of lemonade for all you younger kids that think you deserve a cell phone and can’t even tie your shoes yet. 

"You're 17? I'm 41. We should date."

It’s in the news that the 41 year old man who left his wife and kids for a 17 year old girl is in jail for sexual assault on another 17 year old girl from fourteen years ago. Upon hearing this news and being called from the jail, the know-it-all teenage girl broke up with the spineless fraction of a man. There are a few things that I don’t understand about the entire situation:

1.    What in THE hell possesses a 41 year old guy to leave his family for a teenage girl? And then what does said teenager find attractive about the guy? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

2.    Ew.

3.    I realize that the girl’s mother tried to put an end to the “relationship,” but did she really try her damndest? I’m pretty sure you can make her ass stay home. No phone, no internet, no contact with the outside world. NO. NO. NO.

4.    Why did the act of him being with another 17 year old fourteen years ago affect her and the fact that he was married with kids when he started “seeing” her not bother this stupid girl in the least? Oh, he assaulted that other girl and this girl is a willing whore. I get it now.

This situation to me is not nearly as disgusting as predators of little kids. That is unforgiveable and men should have their dicks cut off in public for doing shit like that. I didn’t forget the women: they should have their uteruses ripped out in public because any woman who can do that do a child should never be able to create life. But, I digress. This little 17 year old whore knew what she was doing. Ok, ok…the dipshit guy probably did a lot of coercing, BUT, she still chose to leave her parent’s house to live with this fuck. And now she’s left him because fourteen years ago he did what? The same thing he just did to her. She claims, “How could he lie to me for all these months and look me in the eye and tell me he loves me? I don’t know how someone could have such a cold heart.” Yet she destroyed a marriage and 2 kid’s lives. Whores never learn.

La Música: It’s Too Fucking Loud, Partner

I get the idea of wanting to listen to music loudly. Sometimes I like to crank that bitch up and roll, you know? BUT, I don’t do that to the extent that I can’t make out the words to the song or that I’m drowned by the bass so badly that I can’t feel my own heartbeat. Explain to me like I’m a five year old why that is the cool thing to do…especially when you’re driving through a neighborhood at 2 am. Hey, you, with your hat on sideways barely touching the top of your head, you’re not cool. Stop. The chick you’re trying to pick up can’t hear you and thinks you’re an asshole for having your music so loud. If she can’t feel the beat, she ain’t gonna jam, you feel me, guy? As my parents used to say, “Turn that shit down!” Maybe I’m getting old and I just can’t take the loudness of it anymore. Nope. That’s not it. I like my rock and I like my rock loud. I’m not, however, tryin’ to blow out my speakers (or eardrums), wake the neighborhood or vibrate every part of my body with the bass.

While I’m on the topic of music, what happened to all the good rock radio stations? Oh, wait, that’s right…they’ve all switched to country music. Why? Because some dick bag sitting in an office thinks it’s a great fucking idea. But if I like a station, I’m going to permanently affix it to my dial and listen while I’m in the car. So, when the execs get a wild hair up their asses to change the genre from 90’s alternative to country, I get a little pissy. I tell my friends, “I found this great station that you have GOT to check out!” and they say, “Uh, it’s county.” Well, shit. What’s worse than your favorite station turning country? It turning Latin. And I don’t mean the old school Latin language…I mean Latino, Spanish, and Mexican…Arriba!... music. That’s more frustrating than country. I turn on the radio and expect to hear Chevelle or The Toadies and I hear La Arrolladora Banda El Limón or Gerardo Ortiz  (I had to look those up; don't think for one second I know who those bands are.) Your digits are now permanently deleted. Thanks to Steve Jobs, I am only forced to listen to country or Latin music when I’m either a) at the saloon kickin’ back a few beers or b) stuffing a burrito loco down my gullet at the local Mexican restaurant. Man was pure genius.

Celebrity Baby Bumps

Can anyone explain to me the hoopla about this? Seriously. Who fucking cares? These people are no more important than my neighbor or my sister. A friend of mine recently wrote, “If I see one more story about a famous whore/actress showing off her baby bump, I just might lacerate my corneas with a rusty jigsaw blade just to alleviate the pain of this media whore circus sideshow.” Ah, media whore circus sideshow. You don’t hear poetry like that every day folks.

I just don’t understand why the second we hear of a celebrity being pregnant (which no one really cares about in the first place) we have to be on immediate baby bump watch with every damn news channel and online magazine there is. This is not news people! How many years has it been now that women have been having babies? Right. We know what a pregnant belly looks like. We also know what women look like after they have their kids. We don’t need a media show of the “hot mamas” (clever word play, btw, news dweebs). Move on to better news like Rick Santorum calling President Obama the “n” word…or almost calling him the “n” word. He did catch himself after all. At least that’ll get a good debate going at the water cooler.